RECOVERY
Stop Calling People Narcissists FFS
Why we shouldn’t be throwing the word Narcissist around
I have been closely and personally involved with, what would be considered a…
brace yourself, I am about to use the N-word…
“Narcissist,” for almost eleven years now.
Up close and personal. Even though I left the relationship over 6 years ago, this person still has, almost, total control over my life (but no longer over my mind).
How does that grab you?
On my travels, I ended up having to approach private professionals and government officials for assistance, due to a truly unexpected and fucking bizarre move, by said Narcissist, when I finally met a new partner some 3.5 years after leaving the relationship.
I even joked with the new person in my life, about the reaction of the ex, prior to us becoming more intimately involved. I had, however, little understanding of the true reality of my situation, nor how proper Narcissism actually worked, until the shit storm really began to unfold.
This even though I had already been in it, and struggling daily, for around five plus years at that point.
The books don’t cut it
The DSM categorises “personality disorders” pretty much as current popular medical opinion sees fit, and I don’t hold too much respect for what has unfolded in this arena. Still, I understand what medical professionals are trying to do, is categorise a bunch of specific behaviours in order to figure out how best to manage and treat them.
This is all “diagnoses” really are. And this is all “disorders” really are. They are not diseases of the mind. They are names given to a list of behaviours.
A set of behaviours that fall under a made up name, agreed upon by a small panel of mostly white, male doctors.
Interesting fact, huh?
I thought so when I discovered this and spent two, plus, weeks researching the history of the DSM.
But my kids say I’m a nerd.
Psychiatry and Psychology is not science. It is popular opinion.
And the opinion of a rather small amount of a specific demographic of the population at that.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a set of behaviours, listed with certain requirements necessary, for a proper diagnosis to be made.
But what they don’t tell you is this…
And I will say it again…
The books don’t cut it.
You will rarely spot a proper Narcissist
A genuine Narcissist will not exhibit the behaviours to anyone except the targets of said behaviours. And these behaviours are, in fact, incredibly subtle and hard to pick up.
People who haven’t been exposed, personally, to proper Narcissistic abuse will probably miss them.
I did.
The really malevolent ones.
For many years.
And I was fucking in it.
I kind of suspected my ex may be (a bit of) a Narcissist after doing some online searches on some confusing behaviours I couldn’t make sense of.
This attempt to make more sense of what I was experiencing began when I found sobriety and was able to see things with more clarity.
My two first sponsors, when I got sober, both kind of frowned and shook their heads I revealed more of my history in our weekly meetings.
“That’s not normal behaviour,” said one, bluntly.
The next one mentioned the N-word, which kind of cemented my new suspicion after the hours of research I’d begun to do and the now frequently appearing term “narcissism”.
A dead giveaway that you’re being abused, by the way, is when you find yourself beginning to play “detective” to try and make sense of what is happening to you.
Both of these mentally, and emotionally sober, sponsors helped me see what was happening more clearly than I could at the time.
Thank the gods I got sober, or I may still be living in that house.
Or be dead.
I spent the last year of that relationship planning how to execute my disappearance, or suicide, responsibly.
One Sunday morning I remember thinking only, “I can’t do this anymore.”
That evening I lied about a work meeting, enabling me to get out of the house, and I sneaked into a random Sunday night 12 Step meeting instead.
Those people, literally, saved my life.
What goes along with being in a relationship with a proper Narcissist, is a very deep triggering of a “victim’s” primary childhood traumas (entirely intentionally), by the Narcissist.
I use the word “victim” using inverted commas, because us co-dependants choose these relationships (unconsciously) as much as we are targeted for them.
We would’ve had a primary care-giver (s) with addiction problems and / or their own unresolved trauma, with strong narcissistic traits when they acted this out.
That primary care-giver would have used ”splitting” between the family and the children to maintain power on control of the family dynamic.
Gossiping, lying, gaslighting, favouritism and punishment for any behaviour that called their authority into question would be normal tactics.
Kids from these types of situations end up with unresolved relational/developmental trauma are easy to trigger, have low self esteem and weak personal boundaries.
They also end up becoming severely co-dependent if they are assigned the “hero”, “identified patient” or the “scapegoat” role in the dysfunctional family.
In contrast, the “golden child” will usually end up with strong Narcissistic traits, if not with full blown NPD.
Same family dysfunction. Different trauma responses.
One can easily see why these two types would be attracted to, and even feel familiar to, each other.
But this type of trauma and the co-dependent / fawn response, some of us end up with, makes people easy to intentionally “trigger” and to manipulate.
Doing this gives the abuser a sense of control and enables them to misdirect, confused and “gaslight” a victim in order to maintain their power and control in the relationship.
What is worse, however, is that a target will be kept in an almost constant state of fight/flight response due to this intentional triggering.
This makes clarity of thought impossible.
In addition, the original childhood traumas become overlaid onto “the present” .
This is how PTSD (and specifically C-PTSD) works. A survivor will ‘flashback” to the original situation when they are triggered.
The relationship with the Narcissist imitates the primary care-giver relationship that was, either intentionally or accidentally, abusive or neglectful in their childhood.
And the target “trauma bonds” with the Narcissist in a subconscious attempt to gain the approval, and love, of the projected primary care-giver.
This is why it becomes so difficult for the victim to leave.
The trauma bonding.
It is a genuine psychological phenomenon and it is incredibly hard to break.
In addition, the abuser will be telling the victim that they are imagining the abuse, that there is something wrong with them or that they are just plain crazy repeatedly.
Over time the victim will begin to believe this.
Anxiety and depression is not a mental disorder
It is an overwrought and overactive nervous system response.
I ended up with severe anxiety and depression, and a resultant addiction, in under a year in that relationship.
And I stayed for two more brutal, long years.
Things got so bad for me that I also ended up entirely forgetting who I had been before I met the person.
It took me two more additional years of recovery, after the initial three years of recovery for the addiction problem that ensued in the relationship, to actually remember who the fuck I was.
And that I did not suffer from anxiety and depression before I met them.
But the worst part of my journey of recovery, was the absolute isolation of the experience
Neither the government officials, nor the private professionals (and definitely none of the general public except other survivors) understood, or even believed, the events I was trying to share.
And this type of abuse is torture.
It is calculated. It is intentional.
And it happens repeatedly, every time the target seems to be starting to progress, succeed, thrive or move forward in their lives in any way.
The point of the abuse is to keep the target on the back foot so they are easy to manipulate and control.
After extended research and study into recovery for Narcissistic abuse, and also the whys of this happening to me at all, I’ve come to understand the following which, I believe, is the most frightening thing about being in a relationship, or bound in a co-parenting relationship, with a PROPER Narcissist.
A proper Narcissist will NEVER allow you to be healthy or thrive.
They are unable to because it triggers them.
This is fucking dangerous.
And this is forever, if you can not simply walk away and cut ties in full.
Proper Narcissism is not a person behaving like a selfish, entitled or inconsiderate asshole.
It is a deep seated, compulsive need for maintaining power and control over a target.
Although it is unconscious and compulsive behaviour, the logistics used to take back the perceived loss of power and control over a target are entirely calculated and planned.
They may even plan an attack to regain their status and sense of security for some months.
Scary stuff.
To the people who think we are being dramatic
We are not.
We live our daily lives waiting for the next “attack,’ because we are not allowed to thrive .
And it will come.
Believe me… it will come.
We live on constant high alert for the next strike…
We are fearful of becoming more, or doing better, because it attracts unwanted attention and this results in us (or our children) being hurt…
when we are put back into our place.
We are in a fucking war zone.
Daily.
Forever.
And nobody but us, seems to really understand how this all actually works.
Proper narcissistic abuse is not just about some person being a selfish, immature, arrogant, entitled asshole.
It is far more malevolent and dangerous.
Throwing the term “narcissist” around detracts from how serious this type of situation is for victims.
Please take the time to find out more. Or to even believe us and ask more questions.
If you know what questions to ask both a survivor, and a person with proper NPD, you will know how to “see” the truth.
And, possibly, save lives.
Thanks for your reading time!
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