Taking Fibromyalgia as a Path to Spiritual Growth
I had a good job as a lawyer in the sense that I was making money. I enjoyed helping my clients get a divorce that not only protected their economic interests but also took notice of what their children needed, focusing less on revenge against the partner and more on moving forward into a new life. But I had to quit due to mysterious exhaustion, chronic and acute pain, depression, and anxiety.
After a decade of worsening symptoms, I finally was diagnosed and helpful medication was prescribed. I started the process of asking the government to recognize my disability so that I could get some assistance in meeting daily costs and health care.
It was a forced retirement. I was suddenly faced with a big change in identity. My friends fell away. It shook many of connections to the world. My ideas of what was meaningful broke down. I could no longer make sense of the complex ideas I had enjoyed before. My body betrayed me.
I now appreciate the gifts I received from this suffering and hope to share them with you here.
What is fibromyalgia?
Fibromyalgia became medically recognized in the past decade. Lupus has many similar symptom but a different cause. Well, as far as they know, because no one really knows about fibromyalgia. (Medium’s spellchecker is telling me this is spelled wrong — that gives you an idea of the acceptance of this disease.)
Some believe that fibromyalgia is due to chronic unresolved emotional and physical trauma that affect the immune system. This is supported in acupuncture, where fibromyalgia is seen as an overdose of emotion that put the body on high alert for too long, then shut down due to overstimulating the body’s high alert systems.
Medical science leads to the idea that it has to do with how serotonin is used in the brain. The treatment, called duloxetine or Cymbalta, is a drug that helps the patient’s brain keep more serotonin accessible. Serotonin affects perception of pain and depression.
Some point to evidence of genetic connection in family patterns.
Some recent spiritual groups believe that our bodies are changing to higher frequencies as part of spiritual evolution and this leads to many of these symptoms.
Embodiment workers say that trauma is stored in the body and work directly with the physical, teaching how to let go of cemented patterns and resistance, which leads to healing. Body workers focus on releasing the tension in fascia.
There is also dietary opinion, in which the gut system and its bacteria microbiome is the focus.
Adrenals, cortisol, and a damaged immune system are all part of the equation, for sure.
What resistance was useless?
Anger at my condition just made me feel worse. It distracted me for answering more basic questions. The part of me that wanted to be in control was furious. The part of me that identified my worth with activity felt dead. I longed for the continuous activity that distracted me from facing my own prior trauma. Friends fell away as I could no longer join them in activities. I felt powerless and lonely. My Buddhist friends had little compassion and blamed me for the suffering through the notion of karma. My Christian friends similarly believed that God was punishing me for unknown reasons. My gym friends thought I could just push through it. My attorney friends wanted nothing to do with sadness and impotence.
The ego losses
In summary, my ego was taking a battering as control and power slipped from my hands. I could no longer find strength in the identity of being an attorney or an activist for justice. I couldn’t run my three miles every morning. My roles dropped away. I had to lie when asked how I was doing if I wanted the person to continue talking to me for more than a minute. I saw that my anger at myself was based on guilt as though I deserved punishment. I found out who were my true friends.
How I was required to listen
I was forced to lie still for hours a day and not distract myself with running around. I was forced pay attention to this body that was complaining so loudly. I wondered about who I was if not my activity. I raged against the kind of universe dished out such undeserved suffering. I fell into victimhood.
Then I moved a bit into more helpful questions. How do I feel today, right now? How is it that paying quiet, close, loving attention to what my body is saying actually reduces my suffering? When in my life did I feel such powerlessness and hurt? How was I treated? Can I treat myself better now? I focused on finding treatment that helps, even if it meant shopping around through the medical options and the many alternative health options. I fought identifying with my role as sick patient while still seeking help.
Lastly, I moved into another, more spiritual line of inquiry. What use can I make of such pain? My loneliness could be turned into valuable time for looking inwardly. What of my being is untouched by illness? What is my basic nature? What does it take to be happy? Can I align with the peace of the true self? Can I love myself despite these limitations? I was amazed that I was learning patience. I felt more compassion for others in similar situations. Humility grew as I surrendered to the present situation without assuming it would last forever.
What gifts are available?
I became much more gentle with myself. My spirituality matured as I grappled with others’ opinions and found my own based on my experience. I moved into supporting the growth of my experience of true nature. I trusted that I would grow from this. I have grown into an artistic side that I had always repressed for its lack of practicality. I seek joy rather than winning. I let go of relationships that were not serving my growth. I spend time resting in the present moment and appreciative of the marvel of each moment of consciousness. I feel my capacity for love growing.
I appreciate that this illness allowed me time for a shift to take place and hear my soul’s call.
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I want to appreciate a video I saw on YouTube regarding this subject: Gina Lake “Overcoming a Fear of Illness” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZLy5YYESVI
