The Beauty in the Pause
Things seems to go better when we STOP and PAUSE
“Let’s just take a pause”, he said. As he finished the sentence, the flood gates opened. I began to cry. There I was sitting in the office of this man I had just met for the first time crying “the ugly cry”. There was something about what he said that released the feelings of fear, anxiety, and frustration that I didn’t even realize I had been holding.
I have developed some health issues over the past few years. They could have been there all my life or maybe they are new. I have no idea and wonder if anyone really does. What I know is, the past few years have been filled with symptoms and the cause has not been determined. I have seen several doctors, including two neurologists, and three rheumatologists. All of these doctors have used testing along with their expertise to determine what is causing issues. I have a list of diagnoses a page long on my chart. The reality is, no one really knows for certain and each doctor has a different opinion and course of action to take. It has been exhausting.
As I sat in front of my latest rheumatologist, I thought, here we go again. Every specialist has tried to address the issues and has added medication to manage symptoms. I don’t think things are significantly better with these medications. This time the doctor suggested a different approach. He had read through my chart, and was informed about my prior treatments. The doctor was acknowledged that I am the primary caregiver to my severely disabled daughter. He had assessed everything, and with firm conviction he said, “I think the best thing is…let’s take a pause and discontinue all medication the previous doctors have prescribed and wait and see. We will wait six months and start fresh with labs and a new perspective.”
There was freedom in his words and it made perfect sense. Often, when things seem unclear, when the path is uncertain, it is good to take a pause. When stress and overwhelm creep into my day, a pause can change those emotions. When my thoughts are racing or anxiety takes hold, I take a pause. When I am driving and feel like I am way off course, I take a pause. When Emily is inconsolable or agitated, take a pause. When I feel buried in my job, my life, my responsibilities, then I take a pause. When I feel pain, either physical or emotional, I take a pause. A pause is always the first action toward a calmer state of being.
I feel best when I pause, listen to my body, take in my surroundings and choose to be in the moment. I see everything more clearly, and the answers seem to come to me. There is much to be learned in the pause. There is comfort, security, clarity, and awareness in the pause. Later we can try more testing, search for answers, and experiment with other options, but for now, let’s take a pause.
