The Curse And Blessing Of Unsaid Goodbyes
I know what it’s like not to say goodbye to the closest person.
I was waiting for my order while sitting in the restaurant. I remembered that I wanted to read my friend’s notes, especially since he asked me to. There were many posts, but I chose one about financial freedom. “Very relevant to me,” I thought.
The waiter brought my order and placed it on the table. In front of me stood a large bowl of Japanese salad. I looked at the food and decided it could wait. First, I wanted to read my friend’s story. The story turned out to be about how he loved one girl. They had deep connection.
At one point, they decided to break up. They were very important to one another and still wanted to care for each other. They was a best friends. After deciding to part ways, they moved to different countries, continued communicating, and visited each other from time to time.
One day she began to feel unwell and went to the hospital. They kept in touch and planned to meet when she returned home. Doctors didn’t give her permission for the flight because her condition was unwell. Time passed, he didn’t come to her because he couldn’t afforded to be there. After a month of battling, she passed away. He didn’t say goodbye or be there for her even though they both wanted to.
For my friend, it was a lesson that there is no freedom without financial freedom which allows you to make the decisions your heart wants to make.
My body tensed in the chair. What a familiar feeling, yet hard to grasp. I finished reading and shifted my gaze to the food in front of me. I had drifted away from the present moment.
I know what it’s like not to say goodbye to the closest person. Sometimes I even avoided and pushed person away because I was too deeply attached to my own suffering. Fragments of memory rose to the surface of consciousness.
Memory fragment.
Eventually, I was allowed into the room, though I didn’t know what I was hoping for. She was in a coma, in critical condition.
This was my mom’s hospital room. I stood there and looked at her. Her body was swollen from fluid, and medical tubes were supporting her life. I couldn’t say a word. I just couldn’t. Pain consumed me like a virus. Maybe ten minutes passed, and I silently left.
My last words to her were not kind. I regret that.
Before everything happened, she called me and was drunk again. I couldn’t take it anymore. I turned away from my mother, telling her I was choosing myself and would no longer be responsible for her life. At that time, I thought I was showing my strength. I would no longer suffer and would move forward no matter what. I rejected her and life took her away forever. It’s happen fast. Only after some time did I realize that the strength I had shown was a strength of ignorance.
I don’t blame myself for who I was. The echo of that situation is always with me now. It motivates me to find a better way, a softer way in relationships with people, and see the true values of life.
Life is between curses and blessings, and you are lucky enough if you can recognize both, but it will cost you time.
I started to come back to the present.
“Today we have an old pain for lunch” — I said to myself. I called the waiter and asked him to pack my food for takeaway. I was no longer hungry.
