The Girl Trapped in My 24-Year-Old Body
Nurturing Your Inner Child
Boys gave me attention, and I conflated attention with love. Their words were music to my ears.
The kindness of boys nourished my inner child, wrapping her in kisses and a warm, fuzzy blanket.
Is this what love feels like?
It was my opportunity to redeem myself amidst the horrors of neglect. I wanted a redo.
While my childhood was easy financially, I struggled emotionally. Apart from being bullied in school, my home life was a stink bomb of false promises, poor emotional support, violence and chronic disarray.
In an act of emancipation from the hurt I felt, I became obsessed with vanity in an attempt to gain the attachment I hungered for. That, and I sprung from one relationship to the next for nine freakin’ years.
I was engulfed by an “I’d rather die than live without you” kind of “love”. The type of love where a fine line exists between romance and toxicity. The latter often prevailed. Naive and low in self-esteem, I settled for far less than I was worth.
In the midst of my many love affairs, I compulsively used Instagram to self-numb. Instagram made me feel like I belonged somewhere. Not only did I have access to virtual friends from around the world, but I could also curate a sexy appearance and perfectly likeable persona. However, my Instagram habits became self-destructive rather quickly.
Whenever I was without my boyfriend, I wouldn’t leave the dark of my apartment out of fear. Instead, I’d binge on Instagram and Youtube. My anxiety skyrocketed to the point that I would cry myself to sleep, hoping my next breath would be my last.
My inner child was pleading for help — broken.
Would you roll your eyes if I told you that sometimes parts of you have to be broken in order to be fixed?
I wouldn’t wish my self-denial on anyone. It has been an agonizing journey of self-sabotage, guilt, shame and pain. I’ve suffered many gut problems, suicidal thoughts and ruined days.
At the same time, I’ve learned a lot.
No One Can Save You
Some of us may dream of Prince Charming from Shrek or Jason Mamoa swooping in and saving the day. Newsbreaker, it’s not going to happen. Save yourself time by investing in strategies to self-soothe such as breathwork.
Be Your Own Best Friend
Cliché, I know. The reason self-love is so widely preached is that it holds power beyond belief. As long as you cannot love yourself, you will grapple with relationships and joy in your everyday life. Loving thyself invites opportunity and abundance.
Invest in Your Hobbies
If you’re anxiously attached, you may not even know what type of things you enjoy. Although you have lost touch with your passion(s) from routinely shapeshifting, you can relearn or discover new things that bring you contentment.
Talk to Someone About Your Pain
Although ruminating over the past is unhelpful, suppression can be equally ill-disposed. While your ego may withstand emotional openness out of fear, trust can be built by gradually letting your guard down. You have to be willing to subject yourself to temporary discomfort in order to overcome your fears around vulnerability.
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