The Heaviness of an Empty Heart
KTHT Advent Calendar PROMPT 6: What’s the quiet, yet powerful message that you know, deep down, your heart is trying to reveal to you?
Every person comes into this world as an indescribably lovely bundle of pure love, light, and joy. I know this to be true about every baby I have held in my arms. So why don’t I know this to be true about myself? What caused me to disconnect from my true self?
Bit by bit, life chipped away at me. Mean teachers and playground bullies took a bite. A huge chunk was taken away by an uncle who thought hurting a little girl might help to fill the empty hole in his being. Even a parent who loves you dearly can take a chip on a day when they are overwhelmed and exhausted by life.
Without even knowing it, I stopped allowing myself to feel fully loved and loveable.
It would take gazing into the eyes of my firstborn son to melt my heart and remember what true, unconditional love felt like.
My husband and I have built a good life together in the decades since our son’s birth. We added three more children into the mix. They created their own families, and now we enjoy the company of twelve grandchildren. Simply thinking of any of these lovely people fills my heart with love.
It is also easy to see the beauty in the world around me. A full moon reflecting on the surface of the pond, the intricate pattern of a diakon radish, or the frost on the window on a cold winter morning can stop my heart and fill it with gratitude and joy.
However, this year I saw the storm clouds forming when I lost my support system while dealing with an ex-son-in-law who threatened my life. My best friend had died from cancer. In addition, my sister, her husband, and four close family members moved over a thousand miles away. Still, I was surprised when the old suicidal thoughts returned.
I threw myself into a whole host of summer activities, thinking it would help. It didn’t. It was fun, but an overwhelming sadness would overtake me as soon as the bedroom light was turned off.
Feeling lost this summer with nowhere to turn, I began listening to what my heart had been trying to tell me for a long time.
My heart said, “You are a loving, caring person. So, how can you feel deep love for someone who has threatened your life but can’t love yourself? How can you see the beauty in a brown dried-up oak leaf sitting on the ground but fail to see the inner beauty in yourself?”
For years, in my qigong meditations, I have breathed in the unconditional love of the universe. I could physically feel the love flow into my body, but the love was always for someone else, not for myself. I could feel unconditional love for the incarcerated women I did projects with in the state prison. Some of whom had taken a person’s life, yet I felt unworthy of receiving unconditional love for myself.
Feeling unlovable was so ingrained in my being that I wasn’t even aware of the disconnect that didn’t allow me to feel love for myself. Now, each day as I meditate, I gather the particles of wholeness and sweetness into my heart. These particles are the misplaced pieces that have been with me since the day I was born. Finally, I am beginning to allow myself to feel fully loved.
With Love & Energy by the Pond,
Laurel
