The Many Ways Being a Single 30+ Woman Has Made Me a Better Person

You really get to know yourself

Photo by Ron Lach :

If you are in your 20s and you are single, maybe you’ll be single for much longer than you think.

I am not trying to curse you because honestly you will find happiness.

Many women dread the age of 30. Where did it come from that you had to have all your shit figured out by the age of 30? You need not be single beyond that age else, your value, attraction, and probability of finding love decline drastically.

This notion has women settling for relationships less than worthy, for careers they hate, and for life below their potential.

I have had my fair share of this panic as well, where in my mid-twenties I was consumed with worry about finding a romantic relationship. This worry wasn’t just because I dread loneliness but when you look at it critically, I find that the desperation is laced with so many strings of fear and yearning for agency and autonomy.

Having an agency is not generously bestowed on women. Even in families where you are allowed to choose your path, you can only go so far. I often heard the saying a woman has no religion, she practices whatever her husband does.’

I had always known my spiritual path would be different from the one I grew up with, I have always questioned the set of beliefs I grew up with and sought to explore different beliefs and find what suits me. That of course was going to be a challenge because who am I to decide to be different, to have a voice and use it, to make a choice and not cower for fear that a man might not choose you.

I was a coward because I thought romantic relationships would save me. I grew up looking at romantic relationships as my escape. My escape from my isolating teenage hood, an escape from the way of life I grew up with. I imagined a time when I’d be married and I can finally do as I please and I can hide behind that to choose a belief system that worked for me. After all, once I say my husband says I can do this, no one would question my choices.

From the title of this piece, you can tell it didn’t pan out the way I hoped and it forced me to face and accept my dissent and stand by them.

Here are a few ways being single over 30 has been empowering for me

  1. It has been very instrumental to my spiritual growth and enlightenment

When you grow up with the message that romantic relationships are the be-all and end-all of happiness, it can be very destabilizing. I believe married people or people who are partnered come to understand this at some point in their relationship. Your happiness mostly relies on you and it is for you to figure out at some point. Being single for so long made me investigate and dig deeper into what makes us happy and how we can have unending joy and peace. I spent a copious amount of time doing a lot of reading and learning to solve my problem at the moment which led me down a blissful path.

2. It has helped deepen my sense of self

Growing up in a culture that touts the opinion that women are not and should not have an agency of their own except from the one passed down from their family and then merged with the one from their husband. When you are unmarried, you are forced to start living life on your terms instead of waiting for the man who would come to give you validation.

3. It has helped me with being rooted in my power

If I made a choice and I said ‘my husband told me to do so’ or ‘my husband agreed to it’ then it would cease to be a question but when you are unmarried, you begin to give yourself permission to do things and not look for any validation outside of yourself. ‘This is what I want’ is enough reason to do something. It certainly makes a lot of people around me uncomfortable but you begin to learn to deal with the discomfort of others as theirs and not something for you to ease.

4. I have learned to be more assertive without needing an outside authority

When you don’t have anyone to tell you what to do, you learn to start validating your actions and intuition as you go. I have learned not to let the fear of mistakes hold me back but instead see mistakes as opportunities for me to learn and be better. I have learned to trust my instinct thereby sharpening its accuracy.

5. I have finally figured out that I am enough

I don’t need another person to complete me, or give me the love I need. I am enough and I have learned about love in the most profound way. Not the one that sees possession and ownership but the one that understands that love abounds in every person we meet and in every situation around us. The universe is showing us love every second of the day and if we opened our eyes, we would see that we have all we need in the moment.

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𝘈𝘶𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘷𝘶𝘭𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺, 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 & 𝘨𝘳𝘰𝘸𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘴𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴.

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Toyin Zuleiha

Toyin Zuleiha


I like to expand your perspective and world view with my words. How To Put Yourself Out There on Social Media- course #ZuleihaXpressions