The Never-Ending Masquerade of Life
I have worn it perfectly, for a long time.
Trigger Warning: A slight bullying.
I remember one such proverb that I read on my Instagram during my random day doom-scrolling while lying on my bed. It’s been a long time, but the words just stuck with me for a long time:
“The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone.” — proverbs
Funny enough, at various points in my life, this quote keeps popping into my head, reminding me that my existence is based on the craft I create for others to see. A reminder that life itself is a stage where I played the roles based on the script written by Destiny. Well, it was supposed to be like that for everyone, right?
But of course, we live in a time where we are deemed to be able to conform and adapt to every situation in life. Sometimes, it forces our hand to make a “Persona” — a different mask from what we truly are, some facade that tends to be born from a sense of survival to go against the world.
I suppose I already did this a long time ago. I’ve already forgotten when the first time it happened. Nonetheless, the moment I realized it, the facade was already integrated deep into me to the point I needed someone to point it out. They usually looked at me with a perplexed look: “Which one was the actual ‘you’?” They asked. The only answer I could give was a small smile on my face, while no words even came out of my mouth.
Maybe, if I could drag it to past experiences, there are times when it becomes apparent that I’m not the same person I was before. I remember one core memory where I was humiliated in front of the school during the School Play, thanks to my dearest teacher who thought it was good material to pick me as part of the joke. I remember how I laughed along with the others while not trying to appear as someone who became the clown in the middle of a bad circus show. The following event is relentless name-calling during the whole school year, along with the betrayal from some people during college who took part in shaping my current mask — An intimidating, unapproachable figure that should be avoided.
While it is convenient indeed, because my current self is rather apathetic and uncaring and tends to divert the unnecessary annoyance that might come along the way, I do tend to realize that sometimes I can’t take that persona off when I have to converse normally. Sometimes, I feel some sort of awkwardness conversing with a stranger or an acquaintance. My trust is already at ground zero, and it would end up with my tendency to avoid any social interactions in a new environment. Quite ironic — and a bit tragic — because I tend to adapt quickly to change, but cannot escape the circling pool of distrust when it comes to socializing.
Not gonna lie, I tend to wonder how to take it off. How do I go back to my cheerful and more social self? I missed the innocence that I had and the gentle nature during my childhood. I hate the fact that growing up, I have to use a different version of myself to face this world — which sometimes is crueler than anything — to survive. I wish it was easier to take off the mask rather than to make them. But it feels like pointless work, as it is already rooted deep and cannot be taken out anymore.
But of course, I certainly believe those parts exist even beneath the current mask. Just maybe, I’m not yet enough to find it. Or maybe, I need to form another one that resembles it since it seems too late to save it, or is it already a futile attempt in the first place? I keep praying and hoping that the loss doesn’t corrode my heart, but I guess it already did, and the remnants of it are used to form the formless mask that helps me thread this stage of a lifetime.
Who knows, maybe.. one day. I’ll be able to find myself beyond every face I make. Beyond every theatric act that I have to play to walk this earth.
