The Sound of Silence
The favorite weapon we use to harm
It always begins somewhere
Decades ago my brother-in-law died from a tragic, gut-wrenching motorcycle accident. I watched from the bubble of someone who was, for the first time, experiencing the grief felt when someone you love deeply dies. The grey veil cast over everyone, I put away my own sorrow so I could instead help my sister and niece get through it, if that’s possible in death and grief. It was a terrible moment in our family history, knowing he was gone, and then watching my beloved family members disappear as well.
As we held a small gathering at my home post-memorial, my ex (who had a history of friendship with my brother-in-law, which ended suddenly) left the house with a stricken look. Although we were divorced, at that time I still cared about him, so I followed to see if I could offer consolation. There he was on the side of the house, far away from the hearing and sight of others, on one knee, sobbing.
None of us ever knew what had come between them, why they had stopped talking. As with most men in our generation, they weren’t big on talking about their feelings. However, in his grief at that moment, when I knelt next to him, he did just that, sharing through his tears.
“I never got to say goodbye or make amends, and now it is too late. I’m angry at myself and sad that our last words spoken were in anger. The argument was stupid.”
He went on to explain that their argument had happened because Carl had broken the man-rule and taken someone else to “their” hunting spot, which was a secret. There had been an argument that included foul words and curses, and they never spoke again.
Death has a way of interfering with life, sometimes stewing regret and sorrow in the same pot. This is what I learned from him:
Final words are only final when someone is dead and gone, and you never ever get the chance to take it back, make amends, say “I love you.” One day you’ll wake up and the chance to see and speak words of understanding, forgiveness, love, and kindness with the person you love will be gone, leaving you feasting on that regret and sorrow stew for a very long time.
The pain we live and teach
Almost from the beginning, my ex took pleasure in hurting me, often covering with “It was a joke. Don’t be so sensitive.” One of his tools was to give me the silent treatment, which would sometimes last for weeks. When I would ask what was wrong, what I had done, he would reply with “If I really mattered to you, you would just know. I’m not going to bother telling you.”
I never knew what sort of relationship crime or personal offense I committed that brought this on, only that it would suddenly come to an end, usually when he wanted sex. It could have been me saying something he disagreed with, not taking his advice, or acting silly in public.
There were no rules, except that he made the rules and I was not allowed to bring up whatever it was that had caused the silent treatment, or it would start again.
If you expect someone to just devine what they did to you, you are setting them up for failure. Use your words. Normal relationships of any kind should never involve not speaking to a person just because they did or said something you don’t agree with while you keep that a secret from them.
That never happened though. Instead, we devolved into near-constant battle, arguing incessantly. After ten years of this on-again off-again relationship and our final attempt at living together, I saved myself and my children from that unhealthy home and left. Eventually, while he continued to make attempts at emotional and legal harm, I learned that nothing I ever did would be enough to make him simply be nice to me.
Over that decade, the second thing I learned was that silence can be wielded as a weapon of pain as part of relationships.
Why are these things lessons that I share? Because they are unhealthy behaviors that can and do lead to pain and unhealthy relationships, and my hope is that others can learn from these life mistakes — all too frequently made by so many.
If there is someone you love who has not committed an unforgiveable (e.g. criminal or abusive behavior against you or someone you love), gather yourself and speak the words, being honest about what has hurt you or made you angry. Engage in conversation, as adults. Don’t make the mistake of using anger and silence as weapons of relationship war, keeping your secret hurt to yourself.
Become a person who forgives before your anger eats a hole in your soul and you find yourself waking each morning to a cup of sorrow and regret.
