ESSAY | SHADOW WORK | SELF-DISCOVERY
Thorns Of Insecurity
Apparently I still have Shadow work to do
Now that I have my own working definition of Happiness and I know what Contentment feels like, I’d love to say that all in my world is rosy — but no, I still have some thorns to brave my way through.
I came to this realization after purchasing the book Chakra Shadow Work Journal: Know Thyself Heal Thyself by Diana Cirmuz (yes, our very own Diana C. here on Medium). One of the first questions in this journal concerns insecurities and its connection to the Root Chakra:
In what areas of your life does your insecurity play out the most? (Career, relationships, family dynamics, etc.) (1)
I am actually surprised by the synchronicity of this question because I’d just spoken to my therapist recently about how insecure I still feel when people praise any of my writing or art. This stems from the nagging, negative voice that tugs at the back of my mind — don’t believe the praise; people think you are a fraud.
Where the hell did that even come from?
I know some of it is because of my childhood memory loss and the years I had to fake memories to please other people, but I thought I was long over that. So why am I still dealing with this issue? Why can’t I just accept the praise and move on without this negative nonsense ‘suck[ing] out the marrow from [my] life’? (2) To figure that question out, I first need to answer the next question from the journal:
How does it sabotage you?
Because of that voice in my head, my first reaction is always — these people are just being nice; if only they really knew…
If only they knew what?
What am I so afraid anyone will discover? That it takes me hours to work on a single piece of art because I am not really a trained artist? Or that it takes me days sometimes to write a single poem or piece of prose because my brain is slowly waning away? Why should I fear any of this? None of this makes me a fraud. None of it is so unusual to my own circumstances. Lots of people create art even if they do not consider themselves artists or have gone to art school and lots of writers struggle to find words sometimes.
So why am I so insecure and allow myself to be sabotaged?
Maybe it comes down to some of my own values, like how much I detest overly proud people who brag endlessly about themselves and their accomplishments. Or perhaps it is because I have this sense that I am supposed to be humble.
Can’t I be humble though and still accept praise?
I will admit that I hesitated buying Diana’s book because after this last year of therapy and all the work I’ve done to find Happiness and Contentment, I thought I was done working on my Shadow Self. As you can see, I still have more questions right now than answers and I definitely need to work through her book. With this insecurity issue still rearing its ugly head, it is no wonder my root chakra feels clogged. And although I have no answers today, I will be exploring Diana’s book over the next months. So don’t be surprised if you see more essays like this with more questions than answers. Hopefully, the answers will come.
© 2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.
Thank you, Diana C. for giving me another avenue of self-exploration.
References:
- Cirmuz, Diana. Chakra Shadow Work Journal: Know Thyself Heal Thyself (pp. 7–9). Kindle Edition.
- Henry David Thoreau quote (Note: although I used a part of HDT’s quote, I did not use it in the sense he intended it. Please click the link to read his excellent meaning behind those words.)
Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. Check out her personal Medium blog here.
