Thoughts That Heal

I didn’t realize — I was actually choosing to be stressed and anxious, maybe you are too.

“ If you could choose to feel any emotion you wanted, for as long as you wanted, how long would it take until you chose to suffer? ”

It wasn’t until very recently that I realized this ever-present, background feeling of stress and anxiety about my life is in fact, not experienced by everyone.

It’s similar to the background hum of the refrigerator, you don’t notice how much noise it is actually making until you unplug it. When a new dimension of silence enters your home, only then do you realize how much noise was filling it in the first place.

Something very similar happens with our thoughts, and even our emotions.

We have a background hum of thoughts all day: slowly draining our energy, removing our depth of presence, and adding to our anxiety. And it’s not until we have an experience that brings true silence to our mind, that we even realize they were there.

Well, this was happening with me. And after months of digging, I finally found an answer. And it may help you too.

I realized that this constant stress and anxiety I was feeling, on some level, I actually enjoyed feeling.

Not in a masochistic, punish myself kind of way. But because it gave me something.

It gave me meaning.

See, when you are unsure of exactly where you are headed, it is very easy to get blown off course. It’s easy to begin to lose a sense of meaning, a sense of something you are working for.

Stress actually fills an important role in your psychology. It gives you the sense that there is a problem to be solved, that you are working towards something, that you are important.

And feeling important is very important.

So, in some way, I had created a part of my identity around being stressed and anxious, because it gave me that sense of importance.

Obviously, this is not a great solution. It would be akin to stopping where you are and lighting a fire every time you got a chill. It gets the job done, but it can also burn the house down.

So, here we are, after a realization. And that’s when the work begins.

Now I have to re-identify myself with someone who is important, just as I am.

I don’t need the feelings of stress and worry and anxiety to let me know that I am important.

It’s a long journey, and I certainly haven’t arrived at the shore.

But after coming to this realization and putting in daily bits of conscious effort towards changing this I can tell you: The refrigerator has been unplugged for a while, and I sure am enjoying the silence.

Until next time.

See you on the path,
Evan.