To Anyone Feeling Lonely
I feel like I don’t belong…
Loneliness can come in many forms: “new place, new job or new school” loneliness, “no friend” loneliness, or “no partner” loneliness. In my case, It’s more about “I’m different” loneliness. Sometimes, It’s brief. Sometimes, it’s long-lasting. Sometimes, it comes when I’m surrounded by most people. Sometimes, it doesn’t make sense at all.
You know the situation when you walk past a stage of your life, then you look back, “connect the dots”, you start seeing things clearer, then it just makes much more sense than before? It’s the same when you are blinded by a feeling of loneliness and couldn’t understand why. You think there’s something wrong with either other people or you. But now you realize, there’s nothing wrong with others, and certainly, there’s nothing wrong with you either. It’s just a sign that something in your life needs changing.
Four years ago, I studied for a master’s degree in the International Business program at Cologne University of Applied Sciences. I FREQUENTLY FELT LONELY AND ISOLATED. I kept forcing myself to be grateful for it. It was a dream of many people and I was living it. But it was just NOT MY DREAM.
I had never felt belonged when I was in high school, then in my university in Sai Gon. So I blamed the Vietnamese educational system. However, I felt the same even when I was studying in my dream country — Germany. Why did I feel this way when I had a perfect life: happy family, good friends, good job, good school…?
On the road of self-exploration, trying to understand my feeling of loneliness and why I am the way I am, here are what I’ve learned:
#1 The pains of loneliness are necessary
We shouldn’t feel shame about being lonely because it’s part of our biology. In the past, our ancestors had to develop collaboration and connection with each other in order to survive. Social needs are our human nature. When the needs aren’t met, we feel lonely.
Whenever you feel lonely, call your loved ones, your close friend that you trust, or even get professional help. Showing you are lonely is not a sign of weakness but of courage. You would feel better when you are heard.
#2. Accept that many parts of who you are won’t be understood
It may sound ugly but sometimes we have to make peace with the fact that our deepest thoughts, desires, or passions will be met with blank comprehension or boredom, or sometimes with sarcasm because most people wouldn’t give a damn. Even your loved ones and close friends would never understand why choose to go that path or do what you do. And IT’S OK.
There are chances that you might walk alone on the path you choose, but you will certainly meet your companions at some point. You could meet them in real life, online, through books or they were already dead a century ago. But certainly, you’ll NEVER be alone. The further you go on that road, the more companions you will find.
#3. Understand more about who you are
Understanding more about yourself would help you understand more about other people. You then would know what kind of people brings you joy and deep connections and what kind of people brings you discomfort. If you were more of an introvert and try to connect with people who are extroverts with different world views and interests, you would likely feel lonely among them.
So don’t trap into the idea nobody is like me. Find your tribe, find people more like you, and surround yourself with whom you can relate and socialize.
#4. Importantly, don’t shut down emotionally and believe that “I can be happy on my own”; ultimately, strong relationships are important to a happy life. And don’t try to fit in by losing yourself either. The more you are true to yourself, the more people want to connect with you.
If you enjoy my writing, buy me a coffee here. I’d be grateful for it.
If you like articles on Medium, come join the community to read limitless articles and get an opportunity to earn money from writing. Sign up for a membership using this referral link. It doesn’t cost you extra and I can get a little commission. It’d really make my day!
