Unborn Sibling
Writing to someone I never met
When I ask our mother about you, she doesn’t say much. Words refuse to come out of her mouth. Her body language changes. Sometimes, she becomes agitated. A sour attitude may arise. That period of her life must’ve been hectic, and full of misery and questions I wouldn’t dare to ask or understand. You were the child that got away. The seed my father couldn’t embrace. Lord knows who you could’ve been. The person you would’ve become.
The pain of losing a child is a feeling I can’t comprehend. Our mom loves babies, and you could’ve been the person to make her feel more complete. She mentions that things in the past should remain there. The process of reflection never overcomes her mind like me. All she wants to do is live in the peace she has.
You didn’t fade in dust. My dear sibling you were gone with existence. You didn’t have the opportunity to experience the pitfalls and goodness that life offers. I’m certain you would’ve been strong enough to handle hurdles. I’m sure you would’ve laughed and engaged in different hobbies. You may’ve remembered more things about our father than I ever could.
Realistically, you didn’t miss much. Thunderstorms overcome noises that come from the streets. Rain travels down to sewage drains and form puddles. Hot weather dehydrates our bodies. Society operates in its twisted ways. Families break before they come together. Wars continue over the selfishness and barbarity of man. Power dominates and nothing will change that factor. Everything moves in an unbroken cycle while I’m stuck here feeling like a pawn. You escaped brutalities and falsehoods.
One day, I’ll vanish. Like you, I’ll exist somewhere else. I often think back too much. Guessing which decisions would’ve been better than others make me lose control. It must be awesome to live in a frame of mind where you don’t have to worry. You can progress through your experiences without doubts. Mental toughness isn’t an attribute to think of in your position.
Reading and writing has helped me accept endless possibilities. Gathering knowledge allowed me to think about ways of exploring the world without being in it. I could think about human interactions or our resemblance to certain animals. Then, there’s that problem we have with vanity. Everyone wants a house or an innocent baby to brag about. Nobody thinks about the consequences of our desires.
If you were here, you’d think I should go out more and socialize. You may tell me to party or find a partner. Well, I tried those things, and I came to several conclusions. For one, what my spirit tells me tends to be right. Although, it’s difficult to decipher if my energy correlates with discomfort. Plus, what everyone else wants for me isn’t exactly in line with God’s plan. I’ll never know what and where God wants me to be.
There’s a scary proposition in all this. What if God is trying to send me messages through people and my failures? I find myself thinking about God’s timing and the order in which things happen. From what you can observe, I’m a contradicted son of God who hasn’t found full faith in his beliefs. I’m a selfish sinner that lacks an incredible amount of strength to refuse evil. Walking around with guilt doesn’t feel right. We must play the fool before we learn, yet I’m scared to think I’d be foolish forever.
The pattern of motions leaves me disheartened. There are only so many restaurants you can visit before the food becomes bland. There are only so many characters you can speak with before you start framing people’s minds into groups. There are only so many sights you can see on vacation before they all appear like the same old gigantic mountains and obnoxious skyscrapers.
Then, there’s a side of me that asks for prayers and forgiveness. Most times, I’m not sure why God favors me. In the old days, there was no such thing as bathrooms or kitchens. When you wanted water, you had to walk and find sources to collect it. Now, water is accessible from our homes. I can wake up, grab a glass cup, and fill it with water within a few steps. We don’t think about how often we take such rewards for granted.
I’m tired of chasing glory and achievements. You know better than me that purpose is our greatest instrument. Humans can hold an unbreakable shield once they discover its presence. On my down days, I go to extremes in my head. A place that thirsts to switch places with you.
Lately, I’ve been looking up at the sky to check if God witnesses my trivial setting. I stand in silence, lost in an ocean of erratic thoughts. I try to replace the loudness by grounding myself to what is real. The surfaces I walk on feel solid. My surroundings tend to blend in with the days and nights. Plants grow while others lose their grace.
Did you serve your purpose by not being alive? Are you trying to make me realize how marvelous life is?
