What Do I Need To Get Off My Chest Today?
Prompt 07.12.2020
Before I sat down to write today, I wondered how I was going to put my thoughts down, how they would flow, and I realized if I were to let them flow, why am I sitting and thinking? So this is me letting my thoughts flow. I am going to tell you what is going on and how I have been dealing with what I can only call an absolute sh*t storm of a month.
My beautiful dog Pearl, is unwell. She has a chronic kidney condition and has been on a special diet with regular check ups every three months for the last two years. Last month, on one of these check ups, her levels had spiked. Needless to say, I went into beast mode and got to work. Between fixing appointments with specialists and organizing drips everyday while managing a series of work related projects, dealing with a ligament tear in my foot and running the house, I was stretched so thin, I could be used as a curtain.
As all this was happening, one day before a big project delivery, my computer’s motherboard collapsed.
I sat there staring at a black screen in what could only be described as pure horror for a good ten minutes. After my brain finally started functioning again, the first thought was…
Now what?
The loss of data didn’t bother me.
The loss of what was a perfectly functioning computer didn’t bother me.
Saying no to potential projects didn’t bother me.
The pain in my left foot didn’t bother me.
What bothered me was this impending sense of doom, a crippling fear that everything would come crashing down and I would not be able to do this anymore.
The next morning my whole body felt like lead, I worked on autopilot. Pearl being my priority, I went through our day making sure she was given the best care she could get. That evening I sat down to meditate with just one thought.
Feel the feeling.
Pearl by my side, phone on silent, candle lit, back straight, eyes closed, I was all set for what I was sure would be a breakdown of some kind. After a few minutes of settling into the practice, I could feel myself drift into that deep meditative state that had become home to me.
But, what came as an absolute surprise was this feeling of complete and peaceful acceptance. Expressing it as bliss would not do it justice. No breakdown, no crying, no insistent need to find reason, no repeated thoughts, nothing but an understanding that this is beyond me. For the first time in my life I knew that I was doing the very best and had left no stone unturned, I knew that whatever were to happen, it would be okay. I would be okay.
This was one week ago and am still going strong. Yes, I have moments where I worry and panic that I will face something I would not want to, I am human after all, but they are fleeting.
My days are filled with hope and prayer, anticipation and worry, trust and faith, laughter and love.I deal with these by practicing Reiki, meditating, trying out different healing methods, cracking jokes at my situation(dark jokes are still jokes), and the most important….. letting go.
I can not say how I will feel and what is in store tomorrow, or the next hour for that matter. I feel a world of a difference after getting this off my chest and all I know is…
The universe has my back and I have Pearl’s.
Dear 𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 thank you for always being so encouraging. ✨
