The Hidden Benefits To Not “Fitting In”
How to find the blessing within your curse
Whitney Wolfe was part of a five-person team that founded the dating app, Tinder. She contributed to the start-up by helping create the instantly memorable name and logo. However, despite the phenomenal rise of the company, fault lines between the founders soon appeared.
Wolfe was the only woman on the team and dated one of the other founders — Justin Mateen — in 2013. The relationship soon soured and the upshot of this failed romance was a string of abusive texts, and in person confrontations, from Mateen to Wolfe.
In these messages, Mateen vented his frustrations in an increasingly abusive manner. Wolfe complained to another co-founder — Sean Rad — but his lack of sympathy led her to feel like she was being ostracised from the company. As the abuse escalated, her position seemed untenable and Wolfe resigned.
At the time of her parting ways with Tinder, the app was valued at around $750 million. She’d put in two years of hard work to contribute to this success yet left with nothing (she wasn’t granted severance pay or stock in the company). Only months before, she was on the cutting edge of entrepreneurial innovation and set to be worth hundreds of millions of dollars if the success of the app continued (as it did). However, when she left, all she took with her was a $1 million out of court settlement for the sexual harassment law suit she filed against Tinder.
After going through such an ordeal, Wolfe would have been forgiven for needing some time to regroup and recover. Perhaps the experience should have crushed her. Afterall, she’d been sitting on a fortune and was forced out of a project she loved working on. At the age of 25, this could have been as high as she was ever going to go.
Although Wolfe had every reason to become embittered, she didn’t. Little more than a few months later, with her business partner Andrey Andreev, she launched her own dating app, Bumble.
Drawing on her experiences at Tinder, she created a platform where women were in control (only they could initiate conversation after a match had been made). The app was a success. Its initial growth surpassed that of Tinder’s and, in 2021, Bumble became a public-listed company with a market cap of $8.3 billion.
This amazing rise made Whitney Wolfe (now Whitney Wolfe-Herd after marriage), the youngest ever woman, at 31, to found a company and take it public. She also became a billionaire in the process.
Finding The Gift
Whitney Wolfe-Herd took a potentially life ruining experience and used it to create a greater life than the one she previously enjoyed. She rejoiced in her curse, refusing to become a victim and using her experience to unlock greater wisdom and power.
Would she have ever had the idea for a dating app that empowered women if she hadn’t experienced sexual harassment at work? It could be argued that she was better off for having experienced a traumatic event. The lesson? Out of painful experiences, accidents, unfair dismissals, the end of long-term relationships and disadvantages from birth, amazing new lives can take shape and form.
My curse was an inability to “fit in.” It started the day I arrived at secondary school, aged 11. For reasons unknown to me at the time, I never “clicked” with my classmates and ended up spending a lot of time on my own.
This situation continued through my teenage years. Between the ages of 16 to 18, I attended some parties but always felt like I was on the outside looking in. I couldn’t understand why getting drunk to the point of throwing up, or not recalling what you did the night before, was considered fun.
With such an outlook, my move from school to university was doomed from the start. Throughout my 3 years at university, I didn’t have a single friend or girlfriend and only had a scattering of acquaintances. 95% of my time was spent alone.
Post-university, I didn’t fare much better. Although I enjoyed my work (tennis coaching), and discovered a dream for my life (so my overall well-being improved), I still found it almost impossible to fit in with both the outlook, and activities, of my peer group.
Despite these difficulties, I never seemed to learn a lesson from my experience. Instead of investigating why I felt the way I did, and exploring alternatives to conventional ways of socialising, I kept beating my head against a brick wall. I’d continue, albeit infrequently, to attend parties, pubs and clubs, hoping something would change and I’d be able to have a good time.
It never did, though, and, instead, it just left me thinking there was something wrong with me. “Why can’t I be like them?” I’d ask myself. “Why am I so different?” I’d wonder. I was trying hard to socialise like everyone else but, no matter how many times I attempted to engage, it always seemed so alien to me.
Then, one day, just shy of my 28th birthday, I discovered why. At the time, I was on vacation walking the Inca trail enroute to Machu Picchu. The expedition had been organised by a travel company and, upon joining, I didn’t know a single person. My intention in going was to see one of the wonders of the world but also to meet new people. However, as the expedition began, and I struggled to fit in with my group, I quickly realised it was going to be the same old story.
This time, though, instead of bemoaning my fate, I discovered a solution. While climbing up to the highest point on the Inca Trail, I had a realisation. The reason I found it so difficult to integrate within a group was because I was meant to create my own.
Upon having this realisation, a light went off in my head. Everything made sense. There was no need to force myself to socialise in a way I found strange and unnatural. Instead, I had to do my own thing and walk my own path.
This new perspective gave me the impetus to write my first book, Escape The System. I then went online, creating a website, a YouTube channel and a meetup group, all with the intention of attracting and serving people looking to break free from conventional ways of working and living.
Both actions proved to be highly rewarding. Readers contacting me to say how much my book meant to them gave me a huge sense of satisfaction. Making deeper connections with people through the events I ran, or the one-to-one coaching I provided, made me feel like I was no longer isolated in my perspective and outlook. Ironically, my social skills also improved. As I became comfortable in my own skin, I got better at interacting with other people, making friends and forming romantic relationships.
In my teenage years and early 20s, I used to think I was cursed to spend my life alone, forever misunderstood and isolated. I would have given anything to be accepted by my peers and enjoy the activities and experiences they valued. However, in hindsight, I can see that my curse actually led to a greater life.
The path I now walk is filled with inspiration, freedom and meaning. By forcing me to become independent, my curse led me to the discovery of a richer, deeper life, with almost endless possibilities.
What’s Your Curse?
Starting today, you must learn to view your situation differently. Whatever your curse may be, you must look for the hidden lesson contained within your suffering.
· What skills must you develop to turn your life around?
· What insight into life has your unique experience given you?
· What approach to a problem can you bring that no one else has thought of?
· Who must you become to rise above the suffering you’re experiencing?
If, like I once did, you feel like an outsider and are bemoaning your fate, then stop. Being on the periphery provides you with a unique perspective. It’s a reason to celebrate. It falls on your capable shoulders to shake up the world.
This is an exciting calling. You’re not cursed to be forever misunderstood. Instead, you’ve been blessed to see things differently and create change.
This mission may seem daunting but, inside of you, are the skills and strengths to take advantage of the unique opportunity you’ve been given. Start seeing yourself as you are — strong, defiant, creative and insightful. The world you operate in may make you feel weird, strange and foolish, but this isn’t the truth. In fact, you might be greater than the “normal” people you once envied. Awaken this potential by rejoicing in your curse.
This article was inspired by my recently released book “The Rebel Code: 12 Steps To Find Your Place In The World And Win.” To buy for $0.99 click here (offer only lasts for 48 hours after article is published).
