Will This Be Cathartic?
It’s okay to not know
Inhale
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Exhale
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Inhale
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Exhale
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Inhale
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Exhale
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Why won’t it work?
Try again
Inhale…
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Exhale..
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InhaDARN IT!
My dear readers, I am struggling. I can not focus on my breath. Something I could do with the blink of an eye. I can not focus on anything. I can not hold onto a single thought.
I am trying, yet I am not.
I am focussing, yet I am not.
I am feeling, yet I am not.
I am here, yet I am not.
Emotion. Feel the feeling. For as long as I can remember, I have always known what I have felt. Today, I can not say the same. Heart pounding, vision blurry, thoughts askew, all I am capable of doing is wade through my day with absolutely no zeal.
I am grieving.
Two weeks ago, I lost my beautiful dog, my baby girl, Pearl.
Gosh even writing that sentence was next to impossible as I grapple with the reality of her not being with me anymore.
I feel like writing about her, yet I can not get myself to. I feel like talking about what an absolute joy it was to be blessed with her, yet I can not. I feel like talking about the last moments with her, yet I can not. I feel like describing every single day leading up to the day she left me, yet I can not.
I want to. I can not get myself to.
I feel alone in this gut wrenching grief. She was the only one for me and I was the only one for her. Every meal, every walk, every decision, was mine to make alone for five years. My life revolved around her. I am now disoriented and confused with how to move through my day. There is not a corner in my house that her presence is not seen or felt.
I know not of a moment, a memory or an emotion without her.
I know not of a reason to wake up without her.
I know not of what my world will be without her.
I know not of when my heart will stop feeling this weight.
I know not of when my eyes will be bright again.
I know not of what tomorrow brings.
I tell myself that it has been just two weeks, that it will get easier.
I know it will. But right now, it is not.
And that’s okay.
