You Think You Are a Good Listener? Take The Listening Litmus Test
You’re not a good listener if you’re more interested in yourself!
My MIL(Mother-in-law) is in her late 60s. She had to go through knee replacement for both legs last year. The recovery and post-care did take a toll on her! But things were improving slowly.
A few months back, she was having some discomfort in her legs, especially in her feet! So she asked my husband, who works in healthcare about it. He dismissed it by saying it must be due to exhaustion. Nothing to worry about.
The next day, she again complained about it. So my husband checked and said, it’s nothing maa! Just relax! Take some rest and you’ll be fine.
After a couple of days, she asked him again. This time, he got a bit annoyed, but assured her that it was normal! And kept busy!
In no time, tears started rolling down her cheeks. My husband was dumbstruck! He couldn’t decipher what went wrong!
Upon asking, my MIL said “I don’t need your medical gibberish! I could have gone to a doctor for that(Indian moms you see ;))! How come it never occurred to you to maybe have a nice conversation with me or just give a gentle foot massage? I didn’t want to talk to a healthcare person all this time! I was talking to my SON!” she cried.
She was angry and sad! All she needed was love, care, and warmth! My husband was definitely hearing! But he needed to listen! He needed to be more attentive, because to love is to respect.
One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what others have to say.
-Bryant H. McGill
This scenario made me ponder upon the importance of being an active listener.
Here are sone ways to up your game as a listener.
Driving analogy
Husband: Honey, I am thinking of hanging out with boys tonight, should I go?
Wife: Yeah, yeah! Go!
And slammed the door!
We all know what he must have decided! 🤣
As driving a car is one task. But it involves managing the clutch, gas, brake paddles, steering, gears, and mirrors, listening is also one task! But it is not just about words. It’s about the tone, facial expression, and body language. Attention…total attention is the key!
That’s why they say,
If you are listening to someone, you can’t really do anything else!
Reciprocate
Imagine you’re talking to someone and they are constantly on their phone!
How does that make you feel?
Less important, right?
You don’t want to do that to your loved one. So, face the speaker. Maintain eye contact and get rid of distractions. Nod in between and Paraphrase. This is very powerful.
“So, you’re saying that you feel a lack of self-confidence because no one appreciated you in your childhood huh?”
When you paraphrase, it shows them that you are present and gives you better scope for correction and understanding.
Hold your horses
Many times we are so occupied with our narratives that we fail to see the other person’s perspective. Asking these questions can help.
Am I hearing what he wants me to hear or Am I hearing what I want to hear?
Ditch the rehearsal
There’s a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak
-Simon Sinek
Many times when we are listening, our mind is preoccupied with planning what we will say next. That ruins the whole process. You don’t necessarily have to say anything!
Don’t rush (them)
I know it’s not always so interesting to listen to someone. It actually takes tremendous mental work to carefully and attentively listen. But while you’re at it already, don’t rush and ruin the whole experience. It’s like negotiating for hours and then not signing the deal.
Be curious instead! Ask the right questions.
What’s on your mind?
Why does it bother you so much?
How did you feel about it?
How has it changed now?
How does it affect you?
Encourage them to share more and more. Let them empty their bucket.
Keep mum!
Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." --Stephen R. Covey
We all are guilty of doing this. While the intent is pure, it makes the other person feel less important. When you share a similar story of yours, you’re in a way telling them, hey…this is pretty normal! It’s nothing special about you and your feelings. Sh*t happens!
By doing so you take their power away! They don’t feel validated! Save your stories for some other time.
When you rearrange the word “listen” it becomes “silent”. You cannot possibly listen if your mind and mouth are not silent.
No suggestions, no opinions
It’s not that you cannot give advice at all! But first, see if the other person is in the right mental space to absorb it. Most of the time we already know what’s right and what needs to be done. We just need good, non-judgemental, empathetic ears that help us vent.
We have two ears and one tongue so that we would listen more and talk less. --Diogenes
Thanks for reading ☺
