Out in the Open
This is how I keep my cool.
As a depressive person, one of your superpowers is hypersensitivity. Everything will take on new meaning depending on your state of mind. This is how I keep my cool.
This is Part 3 of the Dealing with Depression Series. Check out Part 1 and Part 2. You can submit your own writings about life, productivity or mindfulness to KnowledgeBottle.
One of my best friends once told me that I have an aura of shadows about me. This is a poetic, yet accurate way of describing how overwhelmed I was at the time. I was in the middle of a depressive episode and I was reaching out to those around me trying both to hide and to share the burden of my thoughts.
I would seek out people and have them talk about their problems. And while this skill turned out to be quite handy later in life, the reason why I would always insist on them sharing was, because I was unable to put my own sadness into words. How can you explain that you feel a big black hole growing behind your breastbone, ever expanding and engulfing your reason? You can’t.
I’m currently based in Bucharest, which is a somewhat unusual city. Depending on your circles and background you will run into both western and eastern cultural influences and social constructs so it’s fairly easy to learn new things and meet eclectic people.
But when you’re in a distorted state of mind none of this matters. Everything around you becomes nonsensical. Hot summer afternoons would be particularly unbearable for me. Walking to the corner store would require sheer will. The sidewalk so sticky from the melting concrete. No wind, no breathable air, just the stench of decay and perspiration. Human conscience is inevitably corrupted. The brain is essentially a stew of confusion forgotten on the stove.
Metaphors aside, I get particularly anxious in public spaces and the weather, rush hour traffic or loud noises can trigger my darkest thoughts. A logical approach is your best bet in moments like these. Acknowledge that your body and mind are going into chaos mode and prepare yourself to act fast.
- If you’re out in the open, take shelter. You are in a vulnerable state so find a safe place where you can evaluate what’s happening to you: a coffee shop, a bench in the park, a bookstore, the office, your home etc.
- If you are alone at home, keep a cool head. Write everything down or record yourself describing the experience. You need to be grounded in reality so do everything you can to stay conscious.
- Reach out to someone you can trust. Call your family, your friends or send them a text. Share your burden with someone, it doesn’t matter if they understand or not. Try a free hotline.
- Focus on your surroundings. Take deep breaths, drink a glass of water and calm yourself down. Hyperventilation and excessive movement can amplify the crash.
I don’t like going out by myself. I used to prefer that when I was growing up in my smaller, cleaner, safer home town, but since I moved here I stopped doing that. Some may find comfort in blending in with the crowd, becoming one with the group, but I always saw myself as an intruder. I’ve educated myself to overcome my aversion towards this crowded city and get out of my safe place with the help of friends. I pushed myself mainly because I knew that living in a bubble would lead to more personal and professional setbacks.
In my next piece of writing, I’ll explain why I keep bringing up my family and friends as I talk about depression. Until then, stay safe!
