Three Ways to Give Yourself a Fighting Chance of Finishing Well
How to live your best life
On August 19, 2021, I lost a friend to COVID-19. We were both born in 1966. We followed similar paths in our early adult lives. After high school, we both joined the Marine Corps. After our enlisted service, we enrolled in and graduated from the same college, then graduated from the same seminary. After seminary, my friend joined the Navy Chaplain Corps. I followed him into the chaplaincy ten years later. He left behind a wife, a son (who followed his dad into the Marine Corps), and three daughters. His life was a model of Paul’s words to the Philippians about finishing well.
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 3: 12–14, NIV)
I traveled to Chicago to pay respects to my friend. While I was in my hotel room, on Thursday, August 26, a suicide bomber detonated outside the Kabul airport, killing more than 100 Afghanis and thirteen U.S. service members (11 Marines, one Navy corpsman, and one soldier). The dead service members ranged from 20–25 (most were in their first enlistment). These young American treasures left behind young spouses, children, parents, and grandparents.
Both of these tragedies caused me to think about the brevity of life and finishing well. My friend had just been in our home for the July 4th holiday. He wanted to watch his children grow into flourishing young adults who would someday have their own families. The young service members had their futures ahead of them. None expected to be dead before the end of August 2021. All anticipated going on to live full lives. The young service members anticipated continuing their military careers or moving into a different part of their life after military service. Most of them likely expected to go to college, learn a trade, get married, and have children. All who serve in the military understand the dangers of their service. All understand the sacrifice. I am sure that on the day of the attack, none of them anticipated that they would each be going home in a flag-draped coffin.
What does it mean to finish well? I ask myself this question. I am now closer to 60 than 50. My children have left the nest. While I believe my best days are still to come, I am likely to have fewer years ahead of me than behind me.
As I contemplate the coming years, I think about these words from 1 Corinthians 9:24:
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. (1 Corinthians 9:24, NIV)
Every person can finish well by paying attention to three areas of their life.
A few months ago, a friend and mentor challenged me to think about this question, “What does it mean to live a congruent life?” I have contemplated this question in the months since he asked it.
Congruent living is key to finishing well. There are three keys to evaluate our level of congruence and potential for finishing well. They are:
- Living in alignment
- Living faithfully
- Living by a rule of life.
Everyone should seek a life where their inner passions are lived in the whole of their life. These passions arise in many different ways. Some examples are:
- Deeply held beliefs
- Religious commitments
- Values
- Personality
Living In Alignment
The goal of our lives should be to live congruent lives in accordance with our purpose. Considering our passion, energy, and contribution helps us discern our level of congruence (defined as agreement or harmony) with our goal. Not long ago, I spoke with a young Marine who struggled with some personal and professional frustrations. In his case, his professional frustrations were being vented at home. Together, we discovered that though he was attempting to live faithfully, he was not in alignment. The unseen iceberg of his professional frustrations was causing outsized reactions to what were generally minor frustrations at home.
Below are three questions to ask yourself as you consider your level of alignment.
- What is your level of passion?
- What is your level of energy?
- What is your level of contribution?
First, what is your level of passion? Each of us has things about which we are passionate. For part of our adult life, most of us need to work to provide for our families. A congruent life is one where we can activate our areas of passion in the context of our professional lives. Part of who we are is present in the conduct of our work.
At the end of a workday, we sense we have done work that matters. We may be tired, but it is a ‘good tired’. Our professional life takes up a portion of our days. When we go home to our families, do we maintain the ability to be present for them? Do we regularly engage in downtime activities that increase our vigor for life?
Second, what is your energy? Each of us wakes up to a new day. Do we wake up energized about the possibilities of our day? Or do we dread the day ahead? When our lives match who we truly are, the opportunities energize us. If we are not living congruent lives, we will have a general sense of being depleted. It can become more and more challenging to feel the energy of a life well-lived.
Third, what is your level of contribution? This question follows from the previous two. If we lack passion and energy, our level of influence will suffer. The general tenor of our lives may be a sense of underlying frustration, perhaps a sense of “what is the use?” When our lives are not congruent, we may doubt our levels of contribution.
Living Faithfully
Once we have assessed the level of alignment in our lives and made necessary course corrections to live our best lives, we must seek to live faithfully according to the things in our life which lead us to flourish as human beings. Our most significant impact as people comes when we live our lives according to the deepest part of who we are, where we can make our most important contribution. We can say yes to the right opportunities and no to the wrong prospects. We can do many things; there are only a few where we make our most significant contribution.
We must be willing to cast off those things which would hinder us from our best life. In seeking to live faithfully, we must take the words of Hebrews to heart:
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
(Hebrews 12: 1–2, NIV)
Faithful living requires a great deal of self-awareness. The above conversation on alignment is an exercise in learning more about who we are. As our children were growing up, my wife and I wanted them to have a wide variety of experiences. We wanted them to participate in a variety of sports. Along their childhood journeys, both discovered more about who they were and more about what they wanted to do with their lives. Their experiences and conversations with their parents helped them understand more about what they wanted to do in their adult lives. Now, as adults, they live their lives based on their deeply held values.
Even with the advantage of self-discovery, it is not uncommon to struggle with saying no to opportunities. We don’t want to miss out on opportunities and possibilities for getting ahead in our life, so we don’t say no often enough. When we know who we are, we understand our deepest values and make our most outstanding contributions. We can say no to more things, so we can say yes to the things that most deeply resonate with who we are and contribute to a flourishing life.
Living by a Rule of Life
A Rule of Life is a way toward a well-ordered life. It is a way to eliminate hurry. Dallas Willard once said, “Hurry is the great enemy of the spiritual life in our day.” He goes on to say that nothing is more critical than the ruthless elimination of hurry. When I am in a hurry, I miss the essential things, personally and professionally. A commitment to living faithfully according to our deepest self is the most effective antidote to hurry. A well-defined rule of life can assist us in living effectively into our deepest self.
In his book Crafting a Rule of Life, Steve Macchia writes that a
rule of life is descriptive in that it articulates our intentions and identifies the ways in which we want to live. And when we fall short of these intentions, the rule becomes prescriptive, showing us how we can return to the path that we have set for ourselves and recapture our original vision.
Ruth Haley Barton writes,
A rule of life is simply a regular pattern of practices, attitudes, and behaviors which form a set of rhythms intended to refine the character of a person.
Elsewhere, I have suggested that the four key areas requiring the most dedicated attention are spiritual, physical, mental, and relational. Creating a practical rule of life assists us in establishing rhythms in our lives and helps us live well-ordered lives that are free from hurry. Developing a rule of life is a personal endeavor. It should be carefully considered and reasonable. Indeed, different phases of life (married/not married, children/no children, young adult/middle-aged) will impact the construct of our rule of life.
Developing a practical rule of life requires a humble and prayerful posture. It awaits your diligent attentiveness every step of the way.
Like a trellis for a wandering vine, your personal rule of life guides you intentionally forward, one section of the trellis at a time, until your whole life is encompassed.
Conclusion
As we reflect on finishing well, being in a hurry takes away from our ability to be reflective regarding the decisions we make. When opportunities come our way, we must take time to reflect on our decisions. If we don’t, decisions made may not be the best choices for the current seasons of our lives. If the tyranny of the urgent drives us, we don’t have any margins in our lives. Without margins, we cannot fully consider the various aspects of our lives. The most important things are crowded out.
In his work on emotionally healthy spirituality, Peter Scazzero reminds his readers to embrace the gift of limits. There are many things most of us can do; there are fewer things we should do. As we take the journey of living in alignment, living faithfully, and developing effective rules of life, we will create space for living our best lives and position ourselves to finish well.
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