Broken by the Church
So I have church hurt, now what?
My phone beeped with a torrent of new messages. It was one of my “church mothers.” She wanted to know why I hadn’t been to church or small group in a while. Frankly, I shut off my phone and tried to distract myself with something else. So now, what do I do? I tried avoidance at all costs, but now people are coming to ask me why I’ve been missing in action.
I had left the church because of some incredibly disappointing statements made by the leadership and parishioners (read here). The whole experience left me broken-hearted and hopeless. How could I trust another church again after such mistreatment, I thought?
After reading so many articles and going through my church hurt myself. I’ve identified three things you can do to heal yourself and move on after such deep disappointment with the body of Christ.
1. Give yourself time to grieve.
These were people you shared life with probably several times a week; you participated in small groups, app groups, leadership teams, street teams, and whatever else churches have come up with to engage their members. You are essentially breaking up with not a person but a community, which hurts badly. Take your time to pass through the stages of grief, like shock, anger, disbelief, depression, and the like. For your sake, I hope you have a “safe person” or “space” in whom you can confide your feelings. If all else fails, journalling does wonders for the soul.
2. Determine what you need spiritually and emotionally in your next church family.
Once your feelings have settled a bit, take an inventory of not only what didn’t work for you in your past church home. More importantly, make a list of what you need a church to be for you to be able to settle into its pews again. I know, I know… it’s going to take some time before you trust again. However, this time you’ll have a list to guide you into what you are looking for, just like with any significant life decision. You probably will spend a lot of time in that church, so it’s good to have a list of characteristics to look out for and things to avoid getting sideswiped again. Ask about their theology, their leadership guidelines, and other tough questions. Better to know now, rather than later.
3. Look for alternatives for fellowship while you are healing.
I was done with the church for a while, especially the larger ones, so I took a page out of Acts. I looked for more homegrown initiatives to stay connected. Now, more than ever, it’s super easy to check a church out by watching their livestreams on Sunday, engaging in an online Bible study, or joining a prayer board (check some links below). Doing this gave me a solid base to build back trust in the body of Christ without being attached immediately to a church. I’ve made some lovely friends I wouldn’t have met otherwise if I got stuck in my church bubble.
Don’t give up; not everyone in the church are jerks, megalomaniacs, gossipers, and backbiters. There are some wonderful people out there who’ve been where you’ve been and want to connect and share life with you, just like Jesus intended.
- Join an online Bible study (with participants around the world) like BSF Bible Study Fellowship → https://www.bsfinternational.org/
- Download Daily Audio Bible and join their Prayerwall — where you can pray and be prayed for → https://dailyaudiobible.com/
