Character Growth
From My Double Life of Addiction to Sanctified Recovery
“Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For we have renounced secret and shameful ways”
On April Fool’s Day 25 years ago, I walked into my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting at a nearby church.
I sat among 30 men and admitted in public for the first time, “I’m John, an alcoholic.”
I then told them the reason for my showing up: “I’ve done a lot of secret drinking and have made a mess of some areas of my life. I’m here to stop this destructive habit and want to start living a brand-new life.”
That began something new for me — victorious sobriety.
Several guys welcomed me to the weekly group, and I felt the warmth of belonging, my first step taken on the path of recovery. For a decade before my conversion to Jesus Christ in 1977, I’d managed to keep my alcoholism to a minimum.
Stubbornly, for 19 years after my conversion, I caved into the flesh-overpowering-Spirit habit — the rut, the ditch — of repeatedly reaching for a strong drink, a glass of wine, or a six-pack of beer.
Captive to the buzz and mood boost of alcohol, I flagrantly disobeyed the biblical admonition to seek Jesus first and his Presence rather than depending on the addictive substitute swirling in a glass to enhance my carnal appetites or to evade negative emotions.
I also made sure to limit my intake when partying with “social drinkers,” to appear like a moderate drinker, only to indulge later when alone. Other than my wife who deduced as much, nobody knew the extent of this sinful reality about me.
Of course, my heavenly Father/Jesus/Holy Spirit knew all along and grieved my destructive choices. Family members (brothers and relatives) were amazed when I told them about my new path to sobriety because I had cautiously hidden the amounts and frequency of my drinking over the years.
At that first AA meeting, I was delighted to see the guys joking and laughing, and at a deeper level I realized they were there voluntarily and under no compulsion.
Seeing others thrive and hearing their success stories, some happily sober for 20, 30, or 40 years, motivated me. During a member’s reading from a devotional pamphlet, one of the 12-Step “Promises” jumped out at me:
“God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.” 1
In the following weeks, I came to know the truth of this statement because I had tried half a dozen times on my own to stay sober and failed.
At first, the cravings to drink tugged at me, making it hard to resist, but I stayed disciplined and stuck to my decision to escape the grip of alcoholism as I received the power God provided each time I asked.
In the two-and-a-half decades since that meeting, I’ve experienced numerous ways God has used the 12-Step sobriety principles “to do what I couldn’t do for myself ” (remain happily sober lifelong).
Let’s pause for a bit of history
During the early pre-Christ years in my 20s, I did nothing to hide the frequency or amount of my alcohol consumption (almost daily).
Basically, I drank at parties, in public at restaurants or bars, or at home with my wife and adult friends when we would enjoy cocktails before dinner, wine with dinner, or beer watching sports and movies on TV.
These times were mostly social and “happy” drinking occurrences, but eventually this pattern became insidiously twisted. Whenever I felt anxious or troubled, I turned reflexively to alcohol attempting to “medicate” the bummed out feelings or to numb the corrosive power of my worries.
When I turned 33 in 1977, the very best thing in my life occurred: I opened my heart to Jesus Christ and celebrated in his saving grace. My wife and I found a church home filled with strong believers, and my relationship with Jesus has grown and matured ever since — despite the addictive damage from alcohol.
It didn’t take long to notice, however, the concerns of wary fellow believers who frowned on alcohol consumption, even minimal, so my drinking went underground. I responded by hiding and telling fibs to cover up my use (and abuse). Thus, habitual secrecy began in earnest.
Instead of the consolation, comfort, and companionship promised by my Savior and Lord, I snuck drinks when family members weren’t looking, drove my car with an open bottle at times, and practiced clever tricks like frequenting different liquor stores to fool clerks into thinking I was just an occasional drinker.
As I kept relying on God, though — who was and is my “higher power” (the AA manual, the “Big Book,” refers to God more than 300 times) — positive results steadily increased. I was encouraged once I realized that open-ended abstinence was not negative.
In AA, abstinence is freedom. Freedom from hangovers. Freedom from wondering how you drove home the night before. Freedom from guilt over spending money on yet another bottle of booze. Freedom from the shameful downward spiral of self-loathing whenever I chose isolated drinking over quality time with my daughter or wife or family members, or serving meals at church or leading Bible studies and so on … Freedom!
“I came to learn how steadfast abstinence is the floor on which sobriety is built. It isn’t ‘going without;’ it is ‘having more.’”
More clear-headed time to think. More raw energy to exercise. More money in your bank account. More inner self-esteem and more outer confidence to make honest eye contact with anybody and everybody. More!
Most importantly, instead of squandering my attention on “the fruitless deeds of darkness” (Ephesians 5:11 NIV), the connection I have with my dear Jesus has become much deeper. I am no longer sabotaged by the fog of drunkenness and the cloud of hypocrisy spawned by former secret ways of covering up.
For me, “freedom!” and “more!” and “God is doing for me” have generated lasting, ongoing recovery — that means improved relationships with friends and co-workers, neighbors and strangers, and folks like the cashier at the supermarket and mechanic at the local car dealer.
Recovery, you see, involves others; it’s not mainly a solo game like abstinence and sobriety. Think of it this way: my individual abstinence/sobriety has collective value for others, because the fellowship of AA prioritizes “our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” 2
My individual sobriety offers hope and a model of success to newer alcoholics starting their sober journeys, just as it worked for me.
Credit to whom credit is due
In prayer, I thanked Jesus and praised him for all His help! Nowadays, and for the past 25 years and 7 months (as of the date of this post), I have not touched alcohol or swallowed a drop or fought off cravings since those tougher early months.
My drunk-free state is so much clearer, cleaner, and cheerful. I get to experience the satisfaction of living according to reclaimed scriptures like:
- “God will show you how to escape temptation’s power” (I Corinthians 10:13, TLB).
- “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind” (Romans 12:2 NIV).
- “I will not be mastered by anything” (I Corinthians 6:12, NIV).
- “Throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles” (Hebrews 12:1, NIV).
The following graphic summarizes the biblical process I’m describing. With genuine gratitude, I’m now aware how each day of my recovery is a step on the road to sanctification regarding addiction in my life.
Now I’m empowered to be and to behave more like Christ. “But you (drunkards, etc.) were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (I Corinthians 6:11 NIV).
FUTURE NOTE: In my third year of recovery, at the ripe age of 53, I returned to college to earn a Masters-level degree in Addictionology with the aim to offer alcoholics and addicts professional counseling.
Look for this new chapter soon. It includes a “second recovery” from the harm of habitual secrecy as well as my ongoing adventure of partnering with God as a sober, repentant, and sanctified citizen of his Kingdom who serves the future recovery of hundreds who stand to gain abundantly just as I have.
______________________
References
1. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA Big Book), © 2001, p. 84.
2. Ibid. Alcoholics Anonymous, © 2001, p. 20.
