Home is where the heart is. Often it’s easy to keep going when we have a physical home, a comfy warm bed to rest, but when that is taken away from us it can be a struggle to define home.
For most of my life, I have been fortunate enough to have incredible physical homes but once that was gone, I discovered a new definition of home. It meant and it still means being in the hands of God. It didn’t matter if I had no actual address, or that I woke up from sleeping on a cardboard box, if my sanity was in question God was still watching over me. It took time to come to this conclusion but I’m thankful for that clarity.
Because I have written about my homeless days before I don’t want to repeat myself you can find the story here.
I remember sitting outside the Greyhound bus station on my first night and wondering where I was going to sleep when a stranger offered to buy me dinner at Hardy’s. Ashamed of sharing my reality I lied and said I had missed my bus and was going to sleep at the bus station till the next morning.
Instead of dropping me off that night, they offered me their couch for that night. For the first time, I slept in a trailer park with people who looked nothing like me but had a heart of gold. I woke up the next day alive and well-rested, and they took me back to the bus station where I hid from the brutal cold.
As I sat on the benches of the bus station, there was a woman who had three big pieces of luggage and the security had told her to go around to get to the other door. Looking at her face, I knew her bags were too heavy to tow, so I opened the door for her and helped her in.
We sat next to each other and it turned out she was a Christian like me. She was more seasoned than me, and she shared some scripture which she asked me to read every night at bedtime. I took them down and pulled out my new little Bible which the chaplain at the hospital who helped me bury my baby. When I read the scriptures Psalm 91, these verses jumped out at me:
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:1–2, NIV)
I read the whole Psalm over and over wondering how God was my refuge when I was out in the cold all by myself, grieving, mentally distraught, and financially deficient. Why would He allow this to happen to me?
The truth is, pointing fingers at everyone else other than ourselves and playing victim feels safe. We keep going, acting innocent until reality slaps us right in our faces.
Blaming God was an easy way out. I knew He had warned me plenty of times to remove myself from the man I was with at the time and who contributed to my demise, but I had disobeyed. It wasn’t intentional but disobedience has consequences regardless.
I started talking to God, asking Him to reveal Himself to me. Although I had been a Christian for years, I had no understanding of creating a connection with God. I thought he only spoke to the elite and not laymen such as me.
Aside from praying, I never had intimate moments, and this was a perfect opportunity to experience God like never before. As I started to talk to Him like He was a friend, I could hear Him speak through inspiration or a subtle voice. For example, I’d ask:
“So where do I turn now?”
I’d be moved to check if the electric room of an apartment building was unlocked and then finding it open, I could go in and lay for the night. Or get a word where the mobile soup kitchen was going to be. Or meet a stranger who took me to the Salvation Army Thrift store and bought me an outfit out of the blue — and then find $38 in the pants pocket. Or get a free ride to my son’s grave where I’d chat for hours.
I completely surrendered to Him and the results were amazing. I ended up being lovingly guided out of that situation and felt like God was moving me in His hands. From that point on, I always started the day with Him praying, talking, praising, and or reading the scriptures.
I know how important it is to cultivate our relationship so that the closer I am to Him the better I get to experience life. It’s just like every relationship — the more we spend quality time, the more we nourish it, the better it becomes. Our relationship with God is the most important bond we can ever have.
No matter what we’re going through, connecting to God positions us on the priority list of receiving favor, protection, and that refuge and fortress the Bible talks about.
Thank you for reading this testimony. I pray it illustrates God’s love and how being in His hands is the home far more solid than the homes we live in.
