What Happens When You Say the Wrong Thing?
There is a disconnect
“When I hear the phrase, ‘you’ll be okay’ I want to cry.”
This statement from a friend struck something in me. My first thought was Me, too! Then I got curious about why that would be my reaction, why would it be anyone’s reaction?
The phrase makes me want to cry when that’s not what I need to hear
I may know I will be okay. I may need someone to validate how I feel, to understand it’s hard without offering an answer. Sometimes it makes me feel unheard like they’d rather I kept my struggle to myself.
I think it’s one of those empathetic misses Brene Brown talks about.
An empathic miss is when you share something personal and vulnerable and you don’t feel heard, seen, or understood. It’s a sinking feeling, where you feel exposed and right on the edge of shame.
Brown, Brene. p 7, “The Dare to Lead Glossary: KEY LANGUAGE, SKILLS, TOOLS, AND PRACTICES”. 2018. PDF File.
Well-intentioned but sometimes hurtful. Always creating a disconnect. I put out a cry for help and get shut down by a platitude.
Am I saying no one should ever tell me I’ll be okay? No.
The idea isn’t to never say certain things
The idea is to be present enough and curious enough to find out what someone needs.
If I have just bombed a talk or gotten blindsided by harsh feedback hearing I’ll be okay might be exactly the right thing.
If it’s been a rough day with the toddler or I’m grieving a loss it is not what I want to hear.
In those moments I need to know I can feel what I feel without judgment. I need to know you understand as best you can where I’m at.
“ Empathy isn’t about fixing. It’s the brave choice to be with someone in their darkness — not to race to turn on the light so we feel better.” — Brene Brown, Dare to Lead Glossary
If you don’t know what to say to someone it’s okay to say nothing. It’s okay to say you don’t know what to say. It’s okay to ask what they need.
The best part
You can always come back and ask to try again. That may do more for your connection than saying the right thing in the first place.
This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family, and fun.
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