There were six of us 12-year-old boys in the cabin that night. Our counselor was still at his nightly staff meeting, and we knew we should be asleep.
But honestly, did they really expect us to go to sleep? It was me and the boys, and our only agenda was staying up talking, laughing, and eating our candy! Then it happened.
James sat up and unexpectedly announced, “When I get a girlfriend, I’m going to hump her.” Did he mean… you know, sex? He then immediately began belly-flopping, humping his mattress as he declared, “I’m going to hump her like this!”
We looked at one another and nervously laughed as James continued his wild act. Here was a room full of boys who were changing but had no idea what was happening.
When is the “perfect” moment for the sex talk with your children?
All of us ask that question as we wait for our child to ask, “Where do babies come from?”
Well, any parent can answer these questions with a little bit of preparation and a focus on God. As a father of four and children’s pastor for over a decade, let me help fill you in:
Ages 0–5
Aren’t they too young? Not at all. This is precisely when to plant the seeds of understanding in their young minds.
A. How do I even start? It’s important to use brief, simple, straightforward words that they will understand. Stay away from using mythologies like a stork brought them to Mommy and Daddy one night.
Instead, here is an example of what you can say: “In the same way seeds are planted in the ground to grow into plants, babies begin with a tiny ‘seed’ from their dad, which joins with a ‘seed’ from their mom inside her body, in a special place called the womb.”
B. How do I explain why there are boys and girls? As they notice differences, it’s an opportunity to discuss how God crafted each person with a purpose and role. You can use the analogy of puzzle pieces fitting together to explain the physical relationship between a husband and wife in marriage.
C. Should I use the correct terms at such a young age? YES, this early honesty paves the way for future conversations and helps to protect kids from sexual predators.
D. What should I do when they ask about pregnancy or a new sibling? This is an ideal moment to discuss the sanctity of life and God’s desire for a marriage to be full of love and commitment:
Ages 6–10
As children grow, their curiosity deepens, and we need to expand on the foundation that we’ve already laid Make sure to discuss everything from Ages 0–5 if you have not already talked about it.
A. How can I explain the birds and the bees without awkwardness? You can’t. So, own it, call out the elephant in the room, and laugh at the awkwardness. Be honest and let your child know that while it may be awkward now, it won’t always be and that you’re there to answer questions. If you have an appropriate story to tell about how you first learned about sex, then tell it. Go from there.
B. How do I explain marriage to my child? It’s about illustrating that marriage is God’s plan for committed long-term couples. When they witness a wedding, use it as a springboard to discuss how marriage is a relationship blessed by God, designed for companionship, love, and the only place for sexual intimacy.
C. Is it too soon to talk about personal boundaries? Absolutely not. It is crucial to talk about boundaries. Communicate that God created our bodies with care, and we must treat ourselves and others respectfully. Teach them to identify good touch, a pat on the back, and bad touch, someone touching their genitals, an unwanted hug or kiss, or a hand on their body that makes them uncomfortable. We must ensure they understand their right to say “no” to uncomfortable touches. Reinforce their value in God’s eyes.
D. How do I help them navigate what they see? We need to teach our children to view media through the lens of God’s word. Help them understand that certain characters or scenarios on the internet, television, or books do not always align with God’s desires for sex.
As our child’s guide, we must counteract worldly views with biblical truths that discuss love, relationships, and sex (Hebrews 13:4; Ephesians 5:25; Genesis 2:24; 1 Corinthians 6:18–20).
Ages 8+
How do we prepare them for the changes ahead? As children approach and enter puberty, these conversations about sex and relationships become even more significant.
A. How do I broach the topic of puberty? Look for those physical and emotional signs of puberty. You’ll notice them with the sudden growth spurts that are not just milestones; they’re your cue to start talking to our kids. You can start the conversation with, “Hey, I see you grew 10 inches in the last month. That’s exciting, but do you know why that happened?”
B. And the emotional upheavals? It’s recognizing and validating the swirl of new feelings as normal, then helping them learn how to understand these emotions through the lens of self-control, love, and the rest of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23).
This is an excellent time to discuss how their brain is being rewired. When we’re children, we think more concretely, so we understand the world primarily through direct experiences and the senses. When we go through puberty, our prefrontal cortex further develops, allowing greater abstract thinking, impulse control, and planning. This hormonal change and brain rewiring leads to emotional outbreaks, leaving kids bewildered as to their sudden and overwhelming emotional upheaval. So, how do we approach this?
Here’s an example of that conversation from my playbook. “I remember getting pretty upset when I was about your age. We called it ‘Welcome to Twelve-ism.’ You might ask, ‘Why did I start crying suddenly?’ It’s because of twelve-ism. The good news is everyone, including Jesus, goes through this; the bad news is everyone, including you, must go through this, but it doesn’t last forever.” Just as Jesus grew in wisdom and stature (Luke 2:52), so do our children. It’s a beautiful parallel, isn’t it? The realization that puberty, with all its complexities, is just one of many changes they will face through life.
C. How do we talk about the changes boys and girls experience? First, let me reassure you that it’s natural to feel apprehensive about starting this conversation, but it will relieve them to know what’s happening and why. Trust me, if you don’t tell them, they will look elsewhere for this information, and those other sources will likely be from the schoolyard or the internet.
Boys: During puberty, boys experience physical changes such as growth spurts, deepening of their voice, development of facial and body hair, and increased muscle mass.
Girls: For girls, puberty brings breast development, the start of menstrual periods, growth spurts, body hair growth, and changes in body shape with wider hips.
D. What about dating? Finally, we discuss attraction to the opposite sex and dating. As a parent or guardian, it’s our job to emphasize relationships that honor God by setting boundaries that protect their hearts and bodies and encouraging them to seek relationships that display the fruit of the spirit. Talk to them about resisting peer pressure while maintaining a commitment to purity. Our culture will often encourage otherwise, so it’s up to us to lead our kids to recognize what is God honoring and what is sexual sin.
The role of the parent is to be the primary educator on sexuality to our children as we are our children’s first and most influential teachers. Therefore, we must affirm their worth in God’s creation design and help them understand that he deeply loves them. Our goal is not to have a one-time talk; instead, this needs to be an ongoing open conversation that leads our kids to understand God’s wonderful design for sexuality.
May God give you courage, wisdom, and a sense of peace as you honestly embrace this conversation with your child.
Resources:
- ‘Changes: 7 Biblical Lessons to Make Sense of Puberty’ by Luke and Trisha Gilkerson
- ‘God’s Design for Sex Series’ by Stan Jones andBrenna Jones
- ‘The Focus on the Family ® Guide to Talking with Your Kids About Sex: Honest Answers for Every Age’ by J. Thomas Fitch and David Davis
Meet the author
Pastor Paul Luna has been in ministry since 2002, is the senior pastor Mill City Christian Church, and has four kids with his wife, Kimberly.
