When You Struggle to Forgive
What I learned from the REACH model
Forgiveness is beneficial for mental and physical health. Holding grudges is also inconsistent with my Christian faith. But what to do if my efforts to forgive repeatedly fail?
In the past 6–8 years, I’ve been hurt by a few people close to me. I wondered whether I would ever be able to forgive them.
But I came across the REACH model — a method for helping us to forgive others — which has helped me overcome these painful emotions.
An effective method to improve forgiveness
The REACH model was developed by Everett Worthington, Emeritus Professor of Psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University. Several randomized controlled trials have found his approach works for people of any faith or none.
Trial participants not only experienced substantial increases in forgiveness but also reductions in depression and anxiety. Workbooks using the REACH model are freely available online.
It’s also worth noting, Worthington’s knowledge of forgiveness is not just academic. In 1996, his mother was killed in a burglary. Ten years later, his brother committed suicide unable to come to terms with discovering his mother’s body. Worthington has had to learn about forgiveness the hard way.
What is forgiveness?
Often when trying to forgive someone we rely on willpower. But in some cases this is not enough.
Worthington makes a helpful distinction between “decisional forgiveness” and “emotional forgiveness”. Decisional forgiveness is the commitment not to condemn or retaliate against the person who wronged us:
“Voluntary decision to give up the right to revenge and release a person from any interpersonal debt incurred by wronging you.” (Worthington, The Path to Forgiveness)
Emotional forgiveness doesn’t always occur immediately after the decision to forgive. It refers to the change in our feelings towards the person who has wronged us:
“A voluntary release of your right to condemn and get revenge on the person who hurt you because you have different feelings toward the person.” (Worthington, The Path to Forgiveness)
What forgiveness is not
It is also helpful to clarify what forgiveness is not:
- pretending that you or someone important to you getting hurt doesn’t matter — that’s denial.
- smoothing over a relationship — sometimes it is wise not to interact with the person that hurt you. Other times you may choose to restart the relationship. Either way, the decision to forgive is distinct from choosing whether to interact with that person again.
The benefits of forgiveness
There are many reasons we might choose to forgive. One reason might be for the benefits to our well-being.
Tyler VanderWelle, Professor of Epidemiology at Harvard University, concluded that research on forgiveness has found widespread benefits:
“To not address forgiveness is to leave many people trapped in resentment, in negative feelings, and in rumination on the past. The evidence strongly suggests that forgiveness promotes health, in the sense of wholeness of mind and better mental health.”
We might choose to forgive for spiritual or religious reasons. As a Christian, of course, I’m motivated by many passages from the Bible that teach forgiveness.
For example, in Matthew 18:21–35, Jesus tells a parable of a servant who has been forgiven a debt he could not pay — in today’s money several billion dollars.
Yet, he immediately demands his fellow servant pay back a much smaller debt. The lesson of the parable is that if God has forgiven us, we have a responsibility to forgive others.
Recalling the hurt
The first step in the REACH model is to recall the hurt. Often we want to numb ourselves from painful memories and resentment. But facing our emotions constructively can be incredibly helpful.
A good way to start is to write down your story. Try to picture what happened in your mind, remember how you felt, the little details that stay in your mind.
Once you’ve written down your story, the next stage is to write down the story again but more objectively. The aim is to give a more matter-of-fact statement about what happened eliminating less relevant details.
When I first recall the event, I’m often assassinating the character of the person who wronged me. I’m also focused on my resentment towards them and how they have hurt me. So I need to move away from these more subjective elements of the story to write a more neutral account of what happened.
This may not be possible right away. When I’m riled up, I need to release these emotions before I can begin to think more objectively. Sometimes reading through the story a few times can help my anger to subside.
Empathizing with the one who hurt you
This next stage aims to help understand why the person hurt you. The previous stage was thinking about an event from your perspective. This next step is more challenging.
The aim is to view the event through the eyes of the person who hurt you. What were they experiencing at the time? Were they under pressure/stressed? Have they been hurt in the past? What might have been the reasons for their actions?
One way to help with this is to visualise having a dialogue with the person that hurt you. What would you want to ask them? How do you think they would respond?
Give an altruistic gift of forgiveness
This next stage starts by thinking about when we have needed and received forgiveness. Can you think of a time when you were forgiven? How did it feel?
Then it returns to the person who hurt you. If they were in trouble would you help them? What would you be willing to do for them?
Commit to forgiving that person
This next stage aims to help you commit to forgiving the person who wronged you. If you do not yet feel 100% emotional forgiveness it may help to go through the previous stages of the REACH model again.
One way of making a commitment is to write a hypothetical letter to the person you have forgiven. For example, telling them you have chosen not to hold a grudge against them and you will treat them as a valuable person.
There is no need to give the letter to anyone. But writing it out helps to make our thinking more concrete and to make a definite commitment.
Holding onto forgiveness
Even when you’ve reached the point of emotional forgiveness, negative feelings about the person can return. So plan how to challenge these thoughts and emotions.
Everyone has different triggers, a particularly powerful one is when we see the person again. Or sometimes worries or angry thoughts about that person might automatically come into our head.
The final stage of the model is to put together a list of ways to avoid bitterness returning when you experience these triggers.
With time, you will find what best works for you. For me, I find it helpful to go over previous stages of the REACH model when feelings of bitterness about the person return.
This may not be possible immediately — for example, if we unexpectedly see them. But I commit to take time out later in the day where I can be alone to process these emotions.
Becoming a more forgiving person
Forgiveness is a central part of human life with real mental and physical health benefits. Forgiveness is, of course, also a central part of Christian living.
But forgiveness can be challenging and we need help. There is scientific evidence for the benefits of the REACH model. Also from personal experience, I’ve found it easier to forgive as I practice these simple principles.
As I’ve worked through a particular example, I began to think of other people or events where bitterness remained. I’ve experienced a wonderful sense of freedom as I slowly become a more forgiving person.
