Why Our Fears Are Perpetuating Our Burnout
How learning to say ‘no’ sets us free
One of my biggest weaknesses is that I’m a people pleaser and consequently, often have a hard time saying ‘no.’
During a particularly busy season several years ago, I remember feeling extremely burnt out and overwhelmed. I was running from one commitment to the next and couldn’t catch my breath. It got bad enough that I knew something had to change.
Around that time, I picked up Lysa Terkeurst’s book, The Best Yes, in an attempt to figure out how to hit the reset button. It was incredibly impactful for me and played a big role in shaping the way I now think about commitments.
At the root of my need to say ‘yes’ to everything were two primary fears:
- Fear of man.
Deep down, I was terrified of disappointing people. I dreaded saying ‘no’ and letting someone down. The problem with being controlled by what other people think is that it’s a bottomless pit; as much as you try to please people, you simply can’t all the time, which only makes you feel worse and try harder.
In Lysa’s book, she says this,
We become slaves to others’ demands when we let our time become dictated by requests. We will live reactive lives instead of proactive. And reactive lives get very exhausting, very quickly. (Terkeurst, 2014, p. 20).
I had to accept that no matter what, I was going to disappoint someone, somewhere, sometime, no matter how hard I tried not to. I love how Lysa says it in her book, that we must be willing to say ‘no’ so that we can give our “best yes” to the things that are most important.
2. Fear of missing out.
I was also afraid that I would miss out on good things if I said ‘no.’ Frankly, most of the things I was presented with were perfectly good options, which made it even harder to choose.
In particular, when it came to social engagements with friends, I was concerned I would miss out on a fun time and a chance to build connections and make memories. No one wants to be on the outside of an inside joke or hear someone say, “You should have been there!”
In The Best Yes, Lysa says we fear missing out on some things, but instead “we miss out on the best things” by saying ‘yes’ to too much (Terkeurst, 2014, p. 96).
I walk this line imperfectly to be sure, but what I will say is I have found so much more peace and stability in learning how to say ‘no’ and not submitting to a routine of chaos and perpetual hustle.
There’s a reason why Scripture talks about a day of rest, also called Sabbath, and why God modeled resting on the seventh day of creation.
And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation. (Genesis 2:2–3, ESV)
We were designed with a limited human capacity, which God called good.
We were not created to run on fumes, operate in overdrive, and live in bondage to our fears.
What would it look like to lay down the fears that drive us toward schedules and routines of chaos and instead choose to say ‘no’ so we have the bandwidth to say ‘yes’?
Just know if this is a struggle for you as it is for me, there is a way out that leads to life and peace and true joy.
