Will You Dance?
This is rough, raw. I wonder whether to post or to polish, perhaps neither.
Obviously, I am risking posting, and no I didn’t polish.
Do you have a child you’ve never seen?
I do. Well never seen alive outside glimpses of heaven.
No tickling toes, no rubbing noses. We only saw his tiny frame after it had been abandoned for heaven by his spirit.
It has been 10 years. 10 years ago I would have recently discovered my fourth pregnancy. 10 years of Mother’s Day’s being very bittersweet.
Why am I writing today?
Because I saw him in a new way, another glimpse of heaven and it is wrecking me.
My life, at least the last 10 years could be told by songs. The song 10 years ago was Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman. I lived and breathed this song.
when I walk through the wilderness. . .
when I am found in the desert place. . .
When the darkness closes in. . .
You give and take away,
yet my heart will choose to say,
blessed be Your name.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
~lyrics copyright by Matt Redman 2002
We sang it one Sunday in church. First I thought of how the world may not be all as it should be but it is certainly brighter than when this was my song.
It happened at the end of the song.
Seeing Josiah.
I got his name driving home from the sonogram that confirmed his death. When I got home I had to see what Josiah meant. Names mean something to me. It means “Jehovah heals”. I couldn’t ask for a better name.
So, that Sunday I saw him dancing. He was dancing a warrior dance, a dance for healing. I wept. I sobbed. I wanted to grab him and pull him close.
He had to keep dancing.
I must keep dancing.
When I told my husband I was weeping again. He has never seen him-his tiny frail body but not him. I didn’t realize the comfort I drew from my glimpses of heaven. My heart broke to realize he has no better picture of his dear son than his lifeless, tiny body. My glimpses of heaven have become even more precious.
It so happens this season’s song is Dance with Me by Chris DePrue.
I will dance.
This post was written in 2013 but I’ve never shared it here. My life continues to have theme songs. Songs to keep me breathing, keep me dancing. I continue to miss the son I never knew.
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