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Reclaiming Your Sexuality After Trauma

Sarah
Sarah
Aug 24, 2017 · 3 min read

A recent conversation on Facebook made me think about a truth I had arrived at but don’t necessarily remember how it came about: When do you begin to feel sexual again after trauma?

For me, my healing manifested itself in one of the many ways that occur after trauma. After leaving an abusive relationship, one I sought out as a respite from other past traumas, I became noticeably more sexually active.

The unfortunate thing about coping mechanisms is that some of them are destructive or deemed unseemly by society. For young black women especially, you are not allowed to be a sexually active and aware person without staunch ridicule from peers. Add this to the internalized slut shaming that many women are still learning to leave behind, and you are left with a difficult road to recovery.

Owning your body outside of the patriarchal gaze of being built for masculine pleasure is a tall order. It is not something that can occur overnight when so many people are used to being seen as non-autonomous beings within the sphere of the more dominant individuals.

One way that I found solace with my own body was through some of Rupi Kaur’s work. By now, most people have at least heard of Milk and Honey, or passed it on a newsstand, but more than likely you have seen a screenshot of one of her poems on social media. Rupi is unflinching when describing the acts of sexual violence she endured, which at times are hard to read. She also openly describes her journey to healing and what her intimate encounters were like afterward.

After reading this book of poetry, and having done some soul searching after a period of promiscuity, I arrived at several truths becoming confident as a sexually aware person:

Your Body is Yours
Absolutely no one, not a parent, nor a lover or doctor, has a right to your body. You don’t have to justify not being in the mood, or use sex as a reward for your boyfriend doing the basic minimum, your body is your own. Be an autonomous being. Speak up about what feels good and what doesn't. Maybe that dick pounding is lovely but you could really go for some clittoral stiumlation, or pizza. Either way, your body isn’t just there to participate in sex as a bystander.

Being in the Moment is Hard, but It Will Happen
Disassociating is an outcome of serious trauma. It may take a while to fully be in the moment with your partner. You might even disassociate while masturbating, but there are ways to overcome it although it may be hard. Once you are able to fully be present, it can become easier to enjoy and explore your partner.

It’s Ok to Get Yourself Off
Depending on your upbringing, this may have been ingrained as a taboo or dirty practice. Do it. Bask in it. Recline like a damn goddess and have at it because getting your body back after trauma starts with knowing it.

Shame is Something We Have to Unlearn
Feeling ashamed about the attack, and ashamed of how one processes it can happen. The de-stigmatization of sexual assault is making some headway. More campuses are pushing to educate students on consent and the acknowledgement of the existence of rape culture is a sign of progress when compared to the past cringe worthy commercials and ads.

Source: thesocietypages.org

Eventually, it all gets easier. Surrounding myself with other sex-positive people and reading as much as I could about it helped me to arrive at the place I am today.

** alAlthough this piece is written from a heteronormative and cis perspective, I want to express that all peoples, genders, orientations and identities can experience trauma in partnerships. Your experiences matter.

Komyu

Short Stories, Lists, Essays and Poems From a Milwaukee Storyteller

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Sarah

Written by

Sarah

Reverent toward impossibly huge robots and Folgers coffee.

Komyu

Komyu

Short Stories, Lists, Essays and Poems From a Milwaukee Storyteller

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