What Are We?

I’ve come to the realization that I don’t understand casual, sexual relationships. This thought came to me where all great thought originate: in the shower.

I had gone on several successful Tinder dates with the mindset that I was not looking for anything serious. This seemed to be the tagline under everyone’s profile anyway, along with other classic one-liners. Here are my reflections in no particular order:

  1. What exactly is casual?

Casual means that the majority of the “dates” that we go on, I will be dressed casually in what I have come to call my “Dick Appointment Outfit”,

Easily removable athleisure attire and mostly ok looking panties. Bra optional.

Casual means I get to meet your friends and be introduced as, “This is my friend, Xyz.” or another non-committal admittances to your circle of acquaintances like plain old, “This is Xyz.”

Formal would mean me meeting your family.

Don’t do that.

“Casual means that there’s no overwhelming pressure of wondering what the future holds. Boning is what the future holds.”

If this relationship is purely based on the joining of our nether regions, then I have no desire to meet the lovely adults whom sired you. I’m sure Barb and Jeff are great people, but in the interest of our casual arrangement, let’s not complicate things with giving either party hope that this could be something more. Luckily, the majority of the men I have had a casual relationship with have made a valiant effort to not confuse our situation for anything that it was not.

Casual means that there’s no overwhelming pressure of wondering what the future holds. Boning is what the future holds. And hopefully good boning at that. But just as casual can mean that there is a ease to our coming together, that does not mean you are allowed to be a complete dick about things. You can still be casually kicked out of my bed for being a selfish lover. Casually catch these hands. That sort of thing.

2. Ok, but can you define relationship though?

I once read some where (for the life of me I can’t remember) that FWB is still a legitimate relationship. This is kind of a scary thought as you both swore up and down that this was purely an arrangement born from the spoils of cuffing season. But, whether you like it or not, this is a relationship.

Etiquette is still an important factor with any sort of relationship, regardless of what said relationship is based on. Being respectful towards your sexual partner is a huge factor in gaging the success of your arrangement. If you’re going to have to bail on an arranged hook-up time, give them notice as with any other date. Blowing them off without explanation regularly, yet still expecting to get laid is a dick move.

3. The “F” word.

The strangest thing about being in a friends with benefits relationship is that the word friend is so carelessly tossed in.

How long do you have to have a platonic relationship with someone before they become a friend?

However you describe it, it hints at the fact that you knew your suitor before you began getting horizontal with them. So in this instance, a tinder date wouldn’t be considered a friend with benefits because there was never an establishment of a friendship foundation, an exchange of birthday gifts and sharing of activities.

There are of course obvious perils to this arrangement, such as,

“How the hell do we go back to being friends after this?”

Unfortunately, it’s common for both parties to never really return to the time before things got weird and you saw each other’s butts and all. There is nothing particularly wrong with that, as sex is still an intimate act. And it doesn’t get more intimate than having your tongue up someone’s asshole.

Overall, however you decided to define your casual relationship is entirely up to you. But whats important is that you actually define it. Having the “What are we?” conversation in order to establish the terms of your casual relationship can save you a lot of Facebook stalking and blubbering to your friends down the line if they relationship turns sour.

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