What To Expect when You’re Expecting Love
What comes to mind when you think of love? Getting flowers, having songs written about you, being showered with gifts? You might have seen such gestures in romantic films between couples, ones that make you think “I want what they have”. These ideas we absorb from mainstream media inevitably influence our beliefs about love and expectations we have for our future partners and our relationships. We delve into the kinds of expectations one might have and when they do good by us, or when they do more harm than good.
Firstly, note that standards and expectations are not the same. Standards are guidelines about what you will accept right at this moment. They represent what you want in a partner: a sense of humour, similar values and beliefs and their perspective on life. On the other hand, expectations are focused towards the future — certain actions we wish someone would take or an event we wish would happen. While a person could meet all of your standards, they might still fall short of meeting your expectations in a relationship. As such, it is important to consider one’s beliefs and expectations of love before getting into one.
Expectations Can Help
When thinking of getting into a new relationship, having expectations for ourselves and potential partners about what you deserve is normal — being taken care of, feeling affection and receiving attention. These can work to positively influence our relationships. Romantic beliefs can be healthy if they lead individuals to approach relationships in a way that fosters positive outcomes. For example, those who believe in soulmates and let their beliefs influence their expectations of love are more likely to perceive more concordance with their partner on relationship issues.
Romantic beliefs may also benefit a relationship because they involve idealisation. This means viewing your partner or relationship through rose-colored glasses, which includes perceiving a partner as possessing more desirable traits than they in fact do. As such, one might become more optimistic about a relationship and have a greater perception of control over positive and negative events in it. Research has shown that possessing romantic beliefs and expectations has been associated with positive outcomes such as feelings of love and liking for a partner, feelings of passion, relationship satisfaction and longevity (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2018).
The Danger of Unrealistic Expectations
However, our beliefs in love can also result in overly high expectations. These can be defined as predispositions that bias someone toward interpreting relationship events in an irrational manner and which are based on unhelpful expectations. Some examples of unrealistic expectations that are probably impossible to uphold are:
- Your partner can read your mind: you expect your partner to understand your thoughts and feeling without you verbalising it. You might also expect them to know your love language and needs without you communicating it to them — which often leads to misunderstandings and arguments.
- Your partner should change themselves to fit your idea of an ideal partner: Having such an expectation, you will never be able to fully accept your partner for who they are. There will always be faults to be found in them, if that is all you focus on.
- Owning your partner: Phrases like “you’re mine forever” might lead you to expect your partner to follow your ways or always be on the same page as you on everything. While a relationship is a commitment, your partner is still a separate person with their own opinions that might not match you. After all, that is normal.
- Receiving a lifetime of happiness from your partner: It might be easy to place your happiness into your partner’s hands. When you are feeling down or burdened by problems, you might expect them to be able to remove those negative feelings. No matter how hard your partner tries, you might you feel like it is never enough. This is because the only person that can give full happiness to yourself is well, yourself. You cannot depend on someone to fill that void.
While unrealistic expectations might seem to encourage positivity — in the face of real-life challenges, they are unsustainable. The wondrous blush of love, lust, and passion portrayed by the media can create romantic myths and unworkable promises. As time passes, however, this built up fantasy world of love eventually yields to the challenges of real life like work and finances, the competitors of attention and affection. People who expect extreme expressions of love, such as lavish gift giving or spending time unconditionally, to continue forever tend to think that love is gone when they lessen or stop. That is not true.
We can understand how unrealistic expectations become problematic by looking at the psychological theory of interdependence (Kelley & Thibault, 1978). This theory posits that expectations, and the degree to which they are met, are key predictors of relationship satisfaction and commitment. The theory involves two components. Firstly, a comparison level that captures an individual’s expectations for a relationship as it ‘‘reflects the quality of outcomes that an individual feels they deserve”. This is based on observation of others, personal experiences in both past and current relationships, and cultural ideals. After understanding one’s expectations, the outcome represents the individual’s perception of their current relationship to be meeting or falling below these expectations. Satisfaction is then determined by the discrepancy between the comparison level and the outcomes. Hence, if an individual perceives their current relationship to be falling below their romantic expectations, they are less likely to report feelings of relationship satisfaction. This becomes more probable with expectations that are unrealistic in nature.
Recalibrating Your Expectations
Now that you are aware that it is possible you might have unrealistic expectations, here isa step-by-step guide for an activity you can do to reel you back to into the realities of love:
- Separate realistic from unrealistic expectations
Make a list of your expectations of love and relationships. Then, cross out the ones that are unrealistic. You can do this by trying to imagine doing or being everything on that list. Having high expectations are fine — but having impossible expectations are problematic. For example, can you never make mistakes? Is it fair for you to expect others to do the same? This simple exercise can help you draw the lines.
2. Separate what actually matters from what you have been told matters
Take another look at the list of expectations. For every item, ask yourself: is this something that actually matters, to me? This includes expectations and opinions about how your partner dresses, talks, or certain activities they might like. You too, have your own preferences and what matters to you. Maybe you might not like receiving flowers, or being serenaded, but going out on special occasions matters to you. Be less judgemental and identify your truth and cross out the rest.
3. Separate wants from your needs
With whatever items are left on your list, circle the items that are needs and leave the wants out. A need is something that fulfils you at a deep level. A need, if unmet, fundamentally affects not only the quality of your relationship and ultimately, your life. You might not need flowers, but you need to be surprised every now and then to feel appreciated. Or, you might not need your partner to guess what you want, but you need to feel heard when you say what you want. Take your time to figure out the underlying needs behind your expectations. This shortened list forms your core needs to guide what you expect from your relationships and even the kind of relationship you want to pursue.
4. Talk about your idea of love on your first date
It never hurts to vocalise your expectations at the onset of your relationship. This allows you and your partner to be aware of each others’ expectations of love and of each other. While discussing, both parties might regard the other’s expectations as too high. However, you can choose to work it out or not back down from wanting that particular need to be met. Either way, communication creates a bond of trust and also can reduce future disappointments.
If people were not enthralled with too-early promises of enduring devotion, they would be more likely to develop the skills over time that are needed for a long-term relationship to thrive. Having more realistic expectations also encourages people to be with each other in more authentic and realistic ways. As such, they are more likely to continue that authentic intimacy as the relationship matures. Most importantly, people can allow their self and others to stay true to themselves, rather than change to cater to others’ fantasies or continually expect other people to change for them.
Final Notes: Consider and Converse
While they may be unrealistic predictors of the future, exaggerated romantic beliefs and expectations will always be part of every new love. One can bask in promises of unconditional adoration in the courting stage, as long as feelings and words are not expected to remain intact forever. We must remain wary of unrealistic expectations, which have been linked to negative outcomes — such as lower commitment and relationship satisfaction, perceiving more costs associated with one’s relationship, increased use of passive or disengaging coping strategies during conflict and even experiences of violence (Vannier & O’Sullivan, 2018).
However, we do not need to completely rid ourselves of our romantic beliefs. Partners in long-term committed relationships are able to re-emerge some of those sweet early promises of guaranteed safety and rapture. One can keep them at hand to deepen sacred, intimate moments. Still, being aware of needs, having realistic expectations and striving for them to be met — these provide an authentic way to connect, love and be loved. Your expectations are hence important to be evaluated and considered even before a very first date. Be prepared to communicate them so you will not be disappointed in the future!
References
Kelley, H. H., & Thibault, J. W. (1978). Interpersonal relations: A theory of interdependence. New York, NY: Wiley.
Vannier, S. A., & O’Sullivan, L. F. (2018). Great expectations: Examining unmet romantic expectations and dating relationship outcomes using an investment model framework. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(8), 1045–1066. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517703492
