Ranking the Three-Day Weekends

Poor Abe gets screwed again.

Back in the polyester days I remember Washington’s Day and Lincoln’s Day being separate holidays that resulted in two random days off from school in February. At some point “The Man” decided to combine them into “President’s Day” and make it on a Monday. Now, I love a good three-day weekend almost as much as I love a good four-day weekend and slightly less than I love a five-day weekend, but somehow we got screwed out of a day off in the process.

For years I’ve been advocating that President’s Day should actually be on the Monday after the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is practically an official holiday in and of itself and everyone either blows off work or shows up hung over on Monday anyway. (And let’s not even mention the superfund site that is the office men’s room on Super Bowl Monday.) The good news is that this is a problem that easily solves itself (like algebra or global warming) — just let everyone blow off work after the Super Bowl and give George and Abe the credit. (Just kidding about global warming — I despise you garbage people for ruining my beautiful planet.)

Clearly ‘President’s Super Bowl Day’ would be the best three-day weekend, which got me thinking: “what’s the best three-day weekend, anyway?”

8) Columbus Day: talk about a holiday that needs some rebranding. Columbus didn’t discover anything, hated cars, and got a bunch of cool people killed. I hate to say it, but this is a perfect option for a future St. Trumpentine’s Day.

7) President’s Day: a squandered opportunity; see above.

6) New Year’s Day: After greeting the dawn with a cleansing dip in the frigid ocean I like to spend the day in quiet contemplation of years past and future. Or, sleep late and eat bacon at all 3 meals.

5) MLK Day: The weather is terrible but it’s nice to get a bonus day off after the first two grueling weeks of the year. Plus, MLK was a legitimate American hero that deserves the recognition, unlike some other unnamed people named Columbus.

4) Labor Day: Labor Day is the “Sunday evening” of three-day weekends — nice but tinged with sadness, a little melancholic, knowing that summer is over, school is starting and I have to put away my white Colonel Sanders’ suit for 8 long months.

3) Independence Day: Aside from being one of Springsteen’s greatest songs, Independence Day is marred by stupid kids shooting off loud firecrackers in the street and weirdos putting ketchup on hot dogs.

2) Thanksgiving: brilliant planning on this one — a Thursday holiday that spreads into Wednesday and Friday, spoiling nearly a whole week of productivity. Plus, there’s lots of time for arguing and eating Combos while sitting in Connecticut traffic.

1) Memorial Day: The unofficial start of summer and the official end of New Year’s Resolutions makes Memorial Day the unquestioned leader in the clubhouse.

BONUS: Patriot’s Day: perhaps the sweetest plum for New Englanders — a made-up April holiday celebrated exclusively by people who love Tom Brady, replete with the Boston Marathon and a Red Sox game that is perfectly timed for Bloody Marys.

So what have we learned? Well, even though some holidays are better than others, you still can never trust “The Man”.

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