When Other People Define Your Body For You
Shubhangani Jain
While I was collating my thoughts for this article, I remember being struck by the possibility of existing without having the need to write this piece.
Which has body issues written all over it in bold, which might even extend beyond your screen while you finish (if at all). I refrain from indulging in such prospects otherwise, you know. But what if I could take back every nudge, laugh, stare, which my body seems to invite each time it appeared to the world? Utopian, maybe. Definitely.
For you see, the past I still carry, has a series of body image issues sprinkled all over it that unhesitatingly permeate some of my interactions about it and easily end up dominating those narratives. It took me a long (read with extended O’s) time to come to terms with all those instances that made me cringe about living in a body that wasn’t a space I was comfortable with. The specific problem that I’ll talk about here, through experience, is the convenient way in which other people take charge of our body in defining it purely in terms of the highly idealised, almost out of reach , body image they’ve been socialised with.
One of my acquaintances talked about how she was constantly told to lose a little fat here and there, and was jokingly called a ‘cow’ by friends. Another friend remembers being made conscious of her weight to an extent that she internalized the ‘well-meaning’ comments, and started belittling herself before anyone else could. Using defense mechanisms to prevent others from claiming your body for their fun has been a connecting point in a lot of narratives I listened to. That a ‘healthy’ woman would look great and might even score the hottest guy if she cuts down a few carbs; that unsolicited but ‘for our benefit’ advice of wearing certain colors to look slim, therefore, desirable; that look of pity in people’s eyes when more than the ‘required’ flab sneaks out from our clothes, are just some nice ways used to reiterate that being fat will determine, in many instances, how one will be perceived, treated or understood. How sad it is that in some social groups, the people who have bodies closer to the ideal kind or the ideal get heard more than those who don’t.
In this spate of questioning fat-shaming, what is also important to analyse is the casual shaming of thin women forcing them to become a little curvier, because then they’ll attain the ‘goddess image of a perfect woman’ that we have been conditioned to match up to. What I found in this case was the construction of an extremely thin woman as an anorexic or perpetually sick being who must replace their meals with bananas or *insert some high in proteins, carbs and in sheer ignorance of the adviser food* to achieve a body that can be viewed in awe, by other people.
A friend of mine was policed by her parents and strangers for being too thin, and was told, by both parties, to get some flesh to please her future husband. Another remembers her best friend being laughed at by a college principal who did not believe an “anorexic” girl to be a national level skipper or into any sports, for that matter.
A complete stranger, out of concern obviously, told my friend to gain some weight, otherwise she won’t be able to perform her marital duties.
Compilation of the highly derogatory but all in good spirits language that is specific to body shaming is so futile that I refrain from giving any credit to it. What I would like to point your attention to is the assertion of one on the body (and mind) of another. The ease with which people define parts of your body for you to later feel ashamed of, and the sheer neglect of the transgression of your mental space, needs a serious reflection. You don’t have to look far to understand the dynamics of shaming that have fluently incorporated themselves in the everyday of our lives.
To choose a dress for a party is to choose which body part you’ll be comfortable in exposing, if any, or if you’ll be able to smile or retort when someone points out the ‘areas’ you need to work on.
Listen to the Hindi film songs, a friend says, which have in their lyrics and representation, marked the new low in claiming women’s bodies for the pleasure of highly patriarchal men.
A friend of mine nicely summed it up for me when she said that all bodies are different which makes it stupid to be judgmental of any. That your body is only yours to live in, is a reality which needs to be spoken and heard in many ways, different ways, personal ways.
Until you stop criticizing your ‘healthy’ friend for ordering a hot chocolate fudge or joking about how your ‘bony’ friend needs to grow more skin, do not stop reflecting, practicing and involving more and more people in your revolution of body positivity.
Now go, extend yourself in the comforts of your sofa or your favorite coffee/tea shop and eat with love for the meal you are having.
About our Writer :Shubhangani Jain is a hoarder of stationery and cat pictures, who considers her coffee/tea time as an elaborate affair which is hard to cut short. She likes to break myths about feminism in her usual conversations with humans when she isn’t engaging with feminist theory herself.
