How to Actually Prevent Childhood Sexual Abuse & Grooming
How everything we teach our kids about sexual abuse is wrong, and how to actually be aware of preventing it from happening to them.
Over 91% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knew beforehand. In most cases the perpetrator draws the victim into relationship by offering tenderness, care, and protection. The initial involvement often offers what was missing in the life of the victim: kindness and respect. - Dan B. Allender
Most of us have heard of stranger danger, and were taught when little to never speak to strangers in the hopes to protect us from childhood abuse. Ironically, contrary to what we teach most of our kids, the mass majority of childhood sexual abuse happens by those we know. Whether that is a family member/ friend that we trust, know, and love or an individual we know through places where we should be safe, whether that is through school, church, or a baby sitter— the overwhelming majority of childhood sexual abuse happens with those we know and trust.
When I reflect on why we have fallen into this strange delusion of teaching our kids to be afraid of strangers when really only 9% of them will actually experience random harm by a stranger /kidnapper, I come to the conclusion that it’s just easier to pretend that this black and white world, is the world we live in.
It’s easier for us to rely on the reality that there are good people versus bad people, family versus monsters, trustworthy christian folk, or untrustworthy lost sinners— rather than the sobering reality that a family member, trusted peer, or religious leader is more likely to commit this horrendous act, than some random monster we assume lurks behind the shadows.
I believe this form of denial does two things:
- It helps us feel more in control when we live “reality” assuming their are evil people we simply need to avoid. It makes us feel a false sense of safety when we believe that as long as we are in our safe, bubble our kids will be unharmed.
- It removes our responsibility of ensuring that we are meeting and satisfying our child’s emotional needs well, so that when an potential predator attempts to abuse them— they will inherently know something is wrong and choose to not participate in the abuse or will quickly tell you right after it happens.
Let’s dig deeper into what sexual abuse actually is, as well as our roles in preventing it.
Defining Childhood Sexual Abuse & How it Actually Occurs
Sexual abuse is unwanted sexual activity with perpetrators using force, threats, or taking advantage of victims not able to give consent. This can play out visually, verbally, psychologically, or physically in which a victim is being used for the stimulation of the perpetrator.
Sexual abuse can occur through the following ways:
Common ways sexual abuse in children (especially when the perpertator is another child) occurs is through playing games that begin innocently and turn sexual, being isolated with a perpetrator where no one is around (example: sleepover), or doing activities with a perpetrator that require you to change or wear less clothes than normal where unwanted touch can begin (example:swimming). While abuse can occur through force or making threats, let’s talk about the ways we can be groomed to participate in our own sexual abuse.
What is Grooming?
“Grooming is the process by which a predator chooses his victim, draws them into a sexual relationship and then maintains a secrecy of that relationship” — Welner
Grooming mixes positive behaviors with elements of abuse. It is about gaining trust of the victim, family, or community so that the trust can be exploited for the purposes of the perpetrator.
The worst part about grooming is that it confuses the victim because it feels good — in fact that is the whole point! Grooming feels good.
Grooming is the process of making you feel wanted, desired, and pursued. When groomed it may be the first time a child feels chosen, special, for beautiful. It may even be the first time a child feels loved.
This is where guilt and shame play such a huge role in sexual abuse. During any sexually abusive relationship whether it was a few hours or a few years there can be immense shame and guilt for participating or even initiating in the abusive behavior, as a way to please the predator or find control in a situation where they feel powerless. This trauma response is normal but can leave one feeling like it was their fault because they were aroused or enjoyed aspects of the abuse.
Grooming puts blame on the victim as the childs desire of being wanted, superseded the confusion or harm done during the abuse.
This did not put any fault of the abuse on the child, but exposes that that child was not only a victim of the sexual abuse but was lacking love and nurture at home from their family. The child was starving for love and to be delighted in, happily participated in the abuse, to “be fed” by embracing the feelings of being wanted and alive that comes with being chosen.
This is profoundly heartbreaking. Those of us who are survivors of abuse must come to a place that readily recognize that if we participated eagerly in sexual abuse, we were most likely looking to fill a void that was not being met at home. This can be a terrifying reality to admit.
Denial acts as our best friend here, because it is much easier to believe that our home lives and childhoods were perfect until this random awful thing happened— than to willingly pull back the curtain and expose the places of harm and heartache that were truly being experienced in our younger bodies at home that set us up for harm. This will most likely be a life long battle of yo-yoing back and forth from from denial to acceptance that our homes lacked something needed, making us vulnerable to the attention of a perpetrator ready perpetrate.
For those of us who experienced childhood abuse, it is important that we are kind with ourselves as we recognize this incredibly painful truth. We must strive to be patient as we work through our denial, and embrace the truth of the set up that caused us to be vulnerable to any and all abuse.
Journal Prompts
‘In what ways did your abuser groom you?
How does your body feel as those feelings come? Can you meet them with kindness and compassion?
What places did you “ benefit” from your abuser?
What places did you feel betrayal and harm from the abuse?
What places left you feeling shame or confused?
Does your body place any blame or fault on you for the abuse you endured?
Can you spend some time breathing, praying, meditating, or stretching into that space?
Share any new revelations made with a trusted friend and therapist. Process what is coming up and care for yourself.
Books on Sexual abuse
To Be told , Dan Allender
God wants to reveal himself through your story. Discover how he has written your life so far and how he is leading you into the rest of your story.
Everyone wants clearer guidance from God on what to do with their future. In this insightful book, therapist and Professor Dan Allender shows you how to listen to the stories of your life and identify the themes that God has written there. As you begin to understand both the hope and the heartache, you will gain a clearer sense of the meaning that God has written into every detail of who you are. You’ll also see how he invites you to join him in coauthoring the rest of your story. God is your author, and he is showing you how to follow him into the future.
The Wounded Heart, Dan Allender
Sexual abuse knows no religious or social boundaries. The Wounded Heart is an intensely personal and specific look at this form of abuse. Dr. Allender explores the secret lament of the soul damaged by sexual abuse and lays hold of the hope buried there by the one whose unstained image we all bear. Includes information about false memory issues. ‘
The Healing Path, Dan Allender
None of us escapes the heartache and disappointments of life. To live is to hurt, and we all have the wounds to prove it. Regardless of how we’ve been hurt, we all face a common question: What should we do with our pain? Should we stoically ignore it? Should we just “get over it”? Should we optimistically hope that everything will work out in the end?
If we fail to respond appropriately to the wounds that life and relationships inflict, our pain will be wasted; it will numb us or destroy us. But suffering doesn’t have to mangle our hearts and rob us of joy. It can, instead, lead us to life — if we know the path to healing.
