WTF Should I do with my Life?
There have been days, oh well, wait, let me correct myself, there have been sleepless nights, when this is the question that has kept me up.
I’m a Computer Engineering student in Mumbai, India, and like most of the students I don’t know what to do with my life, or virginity.
“I’ve to become someone. A famous personality when I grow up” , is what the 10 year old me used to think. He also used to think about how to collect tazzos and ask dad for more cheetos but that’s not the point.
All I wanted was, to be noticed , and to be of actual use in this world.
I wanted to become someone, but I never knew what did I want to do, so I just started following the people around me.(not on instagram or facebook)
The happy faces attracted me. I talked to them and they used to tell me with so much enthusiasm and excitement about what they’re doing. To listen to someone who is telling you some stuff with such great enthusiasm is actually a big deal for me.
I had no path to follow, so most of the times I used to follow the path that someone else has followed or is following. I tried to find my success and happiness where someone else was finding it or had found it. I thought success is a formula that can be copied and used.
There were days (phases) where I thought , “Oh I am meant for acting.”, and I spent crazy amount of time and some money on actually learning acting. And after a few days I realised no it’s not meant for me.
So then I found another person, another story that inspired me and started following his path, and even this time I ended up realising that it’s not meant for me.
I spent 5 years jumping from different options, reading about different choices. With every jump that I made, my parents got worried about me. They used to think , if I will actually be able to achieve something in life or no.
Not only my parents, Even I used to feel the same.
The confusion, the chaos in my head, all the thoughts at 4 am about what should I do about my future to be a better person. About what am I meant to do? What is it that I actually like doing and what is it that I hate ? Everyone was so focussed in their lives and here I am staring at the wall scrolling through google results about what to try and pursue next.
I used to feel like the time bomb is going to blast in a few seconds and my brain was the bomb.
I didn’t know what to do. Had no one to talk to because how to talk about something that expose your vulnerabilities? Never learnt that. (Someone please teach me)
Every night, I used to console myself , saying , “It’s okay , one day you’ll find it, and whatever you’re going to do you’re gonna ace it”, and go to sleep. Get up the next day and return to the schedule of finding what you like, and eventually yourself, and also the one sock that always gets lost.
This went on for months, and gradually I started to realise that it is okay to feel like this. All the pressure that I had been taking was not even necessary. At this point I had pivoted so many times that I had a basic knowledge and know how of so many things that I started feeling confident about myself.
All those people whom I tried to follow, all those paths that I thought were mine but were actually not gave me a small lesson about life. All those paths gave me inspiration for finding my path.
From a person who would ask advice from people started telling people to live in the moment.
I realised that I can do anything that I wanted to. I had so much confidence because of doing so many different things. It made me realise that I am already unique and can do whatever I want to.
People around me always thought of me as someone who is extremely moody and does things only for a while and gives up later on. (maybe true, or maybe not.)
But guess what?
Their opinions don’t matter now. I wanted to become a personality and be of some use to the world. It is now when I have realised that you are the hero of your world, and no matter what, you are the only one who is responsible of whats going on in your world.
So many nights just to realise that, the Problem is not actually the problem but it is how we see the problem is the actual problem .
I still don’t know what am I going to do in life. But now I know it is okay not to know. Eventually everything will fall in place.
All I want to tell you is that it is okay to be confused. Don’t let anyone tell you what to do and what not to. Just do whatever the f you want to do at this moment and do not overthink. Just do it, that way atleast you will be happy, and then someone one day will ask you about your path and try to follow it.
Everything I have written in this post, every line and every emotion has a back story attached to it. Weekly, I’ll be releasing a new post to tell my life experiences and stories where I learnt important things about life that no on told me about. (some stories might also be about poop, who knows?)
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