16

He turned 16 today. You know, when he was little, I never really imagined him at this age. I wasted hours thinking about the days ahead, anxious for the year to come, and even daydreamed a bit about what adult hood might look like, but I couldn’t let myself think about the teenage years. I think I was scared. I think it was to hard to let my mind wander there. “Just wait until he’s a teenager”… like some haunting curse generations of mothers pass down to one another.

All I remembered was being a teenager isn’t for the faint of heart. Even as a slender, blonde, likable girl with lots of friends…. I struggled. I remember those feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. I remember the girls who looked down their noses at me and made fun of me when they thought I couldn’t hear. I remember that struggle to figure out what I believed in and who I was. I remember wanting to be different, but realizing that it meant giving up the comfort of being the same, being part of the people who “mattered”, and sometimes even being alone. Don’t pull out the tissues just yet, I had it GOOD compared to so many others.

Even more than myself, I remembered the kids in my school who were different, not because they chose to be, but because they just were…. God, I wish I could go back.

I couldn’t even let me mind think of my baby facing that type of rejection or judgement, so I just prayed that maybe he’d stay little forever.

But babies don’t keep, no matter how scary the future feels or how much you just want to keep them from ever experiencing one ounce of heartbreak or pain. And no matter how much you beg them to stay little… One morning you wake him up and he’s 6 ft tall with this deep voice and chin whiskers… and you realize that all you did was blink.

Today, he turned 16. He is smart and funny. He is responsible and loyal. He takes forever to feed the dogs. He has curly messy hair and adorable lines at the corner of his mouth when he smiles. He is friendly to everyone he meets and has a crazy side if you give him the chance to let his guard down. He is a hard worker and loves a good slice of pizza. He is honest to a fault. He has the most unapologetic laugh and a smile that still makes me see that 3 year old curled up in my lap. He’s got his quirks and when his mind is set, he’s impossible to persuade. He loves a good action packed movie and can dominate any xbox game he gets his hands on. He hugs me every single time he greets me…. I hope that never stops. Oh, and did I mention he is taking his driver’s test this week? Does anyone have a mild sedative that I could borrow?

He doesn't go to parties or attend many football games. He doesn’t really care about clothing labels or who’s the most popular kid in school. He’s not an athlete or valedictorian. He’s not the president of any clubs…. honestly I don’t think he’s ever joined a club! LOL! I had to go to the back of the yearbook to find the one page where his tiny picture is located! Let’s just say he’s not really into “extracurriculars”…. He’s different… in the most wonderful way.

Looking at him today, You might never know the struggles that he has faced and the challenges that he has fought so hard to overcome. And as he grows up, that will be his story to share. He isn’t scared of the word Asperger’s. He knows it’s just part of who he is. He does, however, like to try and use it on occasion to get out of “undesirable activities”, but he knows I don’t play that! I do give him credit for “creativity” though ;) He doesn’t have it all figured out yet, but he is leaps ahead of where I was at 16. He doesn’t feel this need to be like everyone else… He just wants to be himself. I know adults who are still tripping over that one… (finger pointed at self)

So to all of you mom’s out there who are fearing the future, who feel like they can’t imagine what even the next minute might hold, who just wants “normal and easy”…

Don’t give up, keep going, try one more time and then one more time again, believe in your baby and teach him to dream BIG! Teach him that what makes him different is valuable and worthy and wonderful!!!

And just wait til he’s a teenager…. It’s worth it!