I Remember You
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13
Today, these pictures fell out of a folder. And for just a moment, I remembered you…who you were “supposed to be”. In my mind for that moment, cold jelly on my tummy…. Would you be a daydreamer like me? Would you be an athlete like your Daddy? Would you have a quick wit like your sister? Would you be a gamer like your brother? I imagined you would be a beautiful mix of all of those things! Before you were born, I had pretty much planned out your first 10 years. Don’t all mothers? Of course you know what they say about making plans…
Still reeling from the flood of memories, I pulled into your school this afternoon. I was supposed to be sitting in that carpool line. You would sit cross legged with your friends waiting to hear your name called. You would probably be the one not quite in his spot or fiddling with your neighbor’s bag. I would giggle because I have never been able to sit still a day in my life. You would jump into the car, dirt on your knees, barely able to breath between stories of your day and how you almost won the game at recess. We would eat a snack and play a while before it was time for homework, dinner, bath… and you would drift off to sleep but not before telling me just one last story, needing one last hug or one last cup of water.
I pulled myself back together and back into reality as the cold breeze hit my face. I made my way to the door where I met your teacher who put your hand in mine and helped you with your bag. We walked hand in hand back to the van where I buckeled you in and kissed your sweet face. I talked to you the whole way home, but you sat silently looking out the window. What I wouldn’t give to know what you are thinking about. What was your favorite thing today or what friend sat next to you at lunch.
When we got home, I took out your folder and read about your day through checked boxes and color charts. I wonder how you would describe it to me. Would you only tell the good parts or have to confess that you were stingy with the crayons. As I fumble my way through, still caught in my fog, I see your report card, but my heart can’t deal with that today. The staples holding all of the additional pages remind me that this isn’t the report card that you get to take to Krispy Kreme for a Free Donut. I will pour over every word, rethink every decision, and wonder if I could do more. I pull out your homework… We are supposed to list your resolutions for the new year. Ummmmmm….I start to laugh, like really laugh. I think I laughed until I cried. I heard you running into the room and I must have been contagious because you started laughing too! Well, I’m glad I’m not the only one who found it funny.
You wrapped your arms around my neck and smelled my hair. Your hugs are even better than I ever imagined they could be. As I pulled you into my lap, I looked at your sweet face. It’s the same sweet face that stared back from the screen 7 years ago. You have these amazing eyes just like your Daddy. They look almost sad at first, but when you smile they turn into these dancing half moons that light up my entire world. You also have this perfect freckle right on the side of your nose. One day, you and I, are going to name it just like I did with your brother.
As the day started to wind down and it was bath time, I watched how you ran your hands through the water and used different shaped objects to look at it from different angles. I love that you can look at the world through a different lens, I hope maybe you got that from me. Once we got on PJ’s and it was time for bed, you got a whole new burst of energy. You laughed and hopped and rolled around in your covers. When I reminded you it was time to calm down and clean up, you immediately pulled out your new phrase “give me a hug!” You are a master of diversion. You know exactly how to draw my attention away from any task that doesn’t suit your mood and how to reel me in with a look or the grasp of my hand… I know a little girl who was extrememly good at that too.
It is such a strange feeling to know you so well, but sometimes still feel like I don’t know you at all. I can read your wants and needs most days without a single word, but I don’t know your favorite color. I can interpret your sounds and gestures in a split second, but I have no way of knowing what you want for your birthday. I know the sound of your cry or the weight of your head on my shoulder better than I know the back of my hand, but I’ve never heard you call out for me by name… Mama.
So tonight, as I am overcome with wanting and gratitude, this verse calls out to my heart.
For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13
The hands that created the heavens and earth knit together Eli. Nothing about his beautiful little life has taken Him by surprise. Even in my womb, God knew him. All that he is, all that he can be, and all that he will be. Wonderfully made in his Father’s image. And although my flesh longs for “normalcy”, I know that he has been set apart for a purpose and in the process He is shaping me.
Looking back now, I realize how small my dreams had been for him. And through him, my eyes have been opened to how each of our children, no matter how they were created, has been made specifically for thier family. Eli was made perfectly to be my child. I was equipped perfectly to be his mama. Even though I doubt myself from time to time. Everyday, he teaches us more than we could ever teach him, he helps us to realize success and joy can come in many different forms, and that his potential is limitless because he refuses to be measured by datelines or benchmarks.
So even though I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions, and I got a good giggle out of this assignment (no offense Mrs. B, it’s super cute) I’m gonna help complete Eli’s homework tonight.
- Make more people smile
- Be a friend to everyone
- Give my mom even more hugs
- Help my teachers keep pushing me to be my best
- Eat less M&Ms…. Who am I kidding, Eat more M&Ms :)
- Never Give Up
