Open your mind before opening your mouth
I think Thumper said it best… “If you can’t say something nice, Don’t say nothin’ at all!” Oh Thumper, how I would love to introduce you to a select group of adults roaming this world. Now let me start by saying this, there are many sweet, understanding, and kind people in this world, I just somehow attract the opposite. I want to believe that God thinks I can teach them something or hopefully let it remind me to watch my own tongue, either way I usually end up just wanting to throat punch someone.
Yet, because I truly believe that nothing happens by accident and my memory is very long, I would like to take a few minutes to run down the top 10 list of “Things You Shouldn’t Say to an Autism Parent”…. and yes these are all from personal experience. So grab a snack, sit back, and enjoy ignorance at it’s finest…. Drum Roll Please…..
10. “How bad is his autism?” Not as bad as your manners!
Most of the time this question isn’t meant to be hurtful, but just curiosity about your child’s level of communication or understanding of how he relates to other children. You have to remember that when you use the word “bad” it automatically puts parents on the defense. Just like you, we consider our children the greatest gifts in our lives and there is nothing bad about how they were created. So, if you’re ever not sure how to ask about someones child who has a special needs just say.. “I love Eli, I really want to learn more about him!” I promise, You’ll have a mommy friend for life!
9. “God knew I couldn’t handle a child like that.” Yeeeeeaaahhh, I agree!
Basically, this is a nice way of saying “Whew, I’m glad I’m not you!” Let’s get something straight, I’m not a saint because I love my child who has autism. I’m just a mother who loves her child and my child has autism. This life I live isn’t a BURDEN, it’s a BLESSING. I don’t HAVE to be his mother, I GET to be his mother. So, if you are looking at the life of a special needs mama and you think to yourself, “I could never do that!”…. remember to offer a smile instead and say “You are an amazing mom!” Every mom wants to know she is doing a good job!
8. “What’s his super power?”
I’m just gonna leave this one right here….yep.
7. “Is he in a normal class at school?” Hmmmm, I don’t think his school offers “normal” class. He has Mrs. Baker for general education and Mrs. Meadows for his special education, but nope.. no “normal” class.
P.S. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but normal doesn’t really apply to anyone.
6. “Why don’t you just get a babysitter?” LOL! LOL! LOL! Sorry, let me get control of myself, LOL!!!!!!
Let’s be honest, there aren’t many people jumping at the opportunity to babysit a 6 year old who can’t tell them what he needs and still needs a pullup for №2! And out of the small list of brave souls willing, I trust about two of them. And by the time I talk myself into actually asking one, it’s to late to go out. Thank God for my mother!
5. “I know how you feel, my son didn’t talk until he was 2!”…. Yeah, 6 is a little different than 2.
So, I may be a little bit sensitive when it comes to this subject, but I feel like I can relate to both sides of the spectrum. I’ve had a child who was slow to learn language, but it came and by 5 years old, it was like he had never missed a beat. I also have a child who is 6 years old and has never asked me a question or told me about his day. Both are hard, both hurt, but they are very different. Sometimes it means more to acknowledge that you don’t know how someone feels.
4. “Does someone need a nap?” Yes, me… I NEED A NAP!
You can expect this little gem to be thrown your way during a Clash of the Titans worthy meltdown. Those who have never endured and survived a sensory overload meltdown will tell you… The last thing you want is someone’s “cute” comment or advise! Unless I ask for help, keep walking my friend.
3. “Did you read to him?” No! Books? Well, I never thought to read books to my child.
Guess what? As a special needs mother, I’ve most likely already blamed myslef in every way possible at some point. Instead of trying to figure out how to make it my fault, use that energy to open your eyes to the beautiful things my child can teach you.
2. “Have you tried…..” Yep, I have.
- “He doesn’t even look Autistic!” And you don’t look like an idiot, but here we are.
Guess what, Autism is invisable to the naked eye. There are no genetic markers or a big sign hanging around my child’s neck that says… Autistic with an arrow pointing up. I’ll be honest, some days I wish there was a mark or trait that gave it away immediately, maybe then strangers would offer more grace instead of judgement. Please remember that whether you can “see” a child’s need or not, they are still children. They deserve understanding, patience, and respect. Provide a smile instead of a scowl, a kind word instead of your opinion, and remember that everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about.
So warrior mamas… please know you aren’t alone. I know how it feels to leave a restraunt in tears over another customers eye roll and scoff, I’ve heard the words whispered “if that was my kid…”, and I’ll continue to help you educate this world about our kids. You are a great mom!
And if you are sitting there wondering… Have I ever said that? I promise, I didn’t mean it that way! Was it me?…….
Maybe, but guess what? It’s been me at some point in my life too. Look, I’m not immune to ignorane just because I was blessed with this life. I am learning every single day to open my mind before my mouth. And yes, I am sure that I still sometimes say the wrong thing or pass judgement quicker than I hand out grace, but I’m trying, I want to learn more, and I want to be better… isn’t that what we all want for our children?
