Prologue: I wrote this piece in 2019 for a private group and today I wish to share it. Details remain as relevant as I shared then.
I recently was conversating with someone on Grindr. Yes, Grindr has become more of a cultural phenomenon among queer men who prefer to find a quick fix in the sea of pictureless and blank profiles of supposed other queer men, for sexual encounters. Whereas my own being on Grindr is for all reasons why people are on the app, I frequently find myself almost always being in conversation with different people who at times just want a stranger to talk to and pour out their emotions. I think Grindr can also be therapeutic. Maybe my now former partner’s thesis on how Grindr has created this utopia and its use beyond sexual escapades had something to do with this change in perception.
So this was our conversation with this early thirties man whom on his profile listed that they were looking for a ‘chat, date or relationship’. The usual cues of I want to get laid. By my own rules, since my face is plastered all over my account, I request that stock profilers send me a picture of themselves when initiating contact. He says the much dreaded ‘Hi” and sends his picture. We begin the usual getting to know each other questions until I ask them, ‘So what are you into?’.
His response was rather interesting not that I had not heard of similar responses. His response was frank and open, ‘It is better I tell you what I am not into?’ ‘I am not into skinny guys that act like girls or women’. He bounces the question back to me. My response is simple: ‘Well if you read my bio, I do not discriminate. I like seeing people comfortable in their own truth’. My profile on Grindr has the following bio liner, ‘Be comfortable in your own skin, then talk to me (insecurities are a turn off)… I do not discriminate based on body type, physical and internal features’. After being in different countries and interacting with so many people across the spectrum, I have come to a point of realisation that there is more to love about people than what I might think is the ideal type of man or woman for that matter. He further on says he does not discriminate either but he is not just attracted to such type of guys.
I must admit he was not the first man that has sexual relations with other men whom I have encountered that said this. I have seen it on many of those stock profiles having the labels, ‘no femmes’ ‘Straight acting only’ or those supposedly macho and straight acting gays who dread being found with those they label ‘Femmes’. As a gender and masculinity studies enthusiast, introspecting on his response, the only bell that kept on ringing reminded me of how we queer people and especially black and brown queer men still live our lives embedded in heteronormativity. The ‘No Femmes’ narrative further enforces hegemonic masculinity in which the standard is the heterosexual macho male who wields power over those that do not fit his standards. It produces a systemic injustice in which men who do not fit that standard are ‘othered’ and considered second class citizens in the society.
So many times people have argued for preference and not being sexually attracted to the so-called labelled ‘femmes’, forgetting that their actions further amplifies a system that is structured to oppress them. I understand the social and cultural context in which we exist (a blatant LGBTIQPhobic one) people are scared of being ‘guilty by association’ but I still question, should we still continue being pawns to a system that breeds injustice to those of our own kind? I am a keen believer in the shared Identity and our common struggle in a system that is oppressive of our very existence. The moment I say ‘No femmes’ ‘Straight Acting Only’ I add to the discrimination of one of my own people. Call me a radical anarchist, but do preferences and saving face really matter, when your own actions are policing the way other people are supposed to live their lives? I live to see a day when #NOFEMMES #StraightActingOnly will be in the past and people will be able to see other people beyond physical appearances.
The LGBTIQ struggle for equality was kicked off at Stone Wall by Transgender womxn and Drag Queens over 50 years ago; people who believed in their right to exist freely in a society that was oppressive and discriminatory. Strides that have been made in the Global North can be felt even by us in the Global South- From HIV/AIDS prevention, community mobilization funding and including the same legal representation some of you the self-labelled ‘straight-acting’ seek when you have been found in a sticky situation. So before you, type #NOFEMMES ‘Straight Acting Only’, think about the psychological impact and oppression your actions cause to those of your own kind.
