Man does not live by bread alone.

“Testing, testing, one-two-three,” the stage manager announced.

It wasn’t a particularly interesting announcement, which was just the way I liked it. I didn’t know why people started clapping. Perhaps people just liked clapping. I couldn’t decide if I should join them, since arbitrary decisions were the hardest to make, so I pulled out my trusty coin.

I flipped it. “Heads,” I said out loud. Some people turned their own heads as if I had issued a command. Crowds were so gullible. I barely managed to catch the coin as it came down and flipped it over on the back of my hand. One last flip never hurt anyone. I looked at my hand. The coin was blank. I flipped the coin over — still blank. What?

“Coin, being a coin is your job, you don’t get to decide if you show up for work or not. Unless you’re sick.”

Hm. Maybe one last flip did hurt someone. Now how was I going to make any decisions? I guess abstinence never hurt anyone, unless you were Mary.

“I am the opposite of a heroic nature. To ‘will’ something, to ‘strive’ after something, to have an ‘aim’ or a ‘desire’ in my mind — I know none of these things from experience,” said some pompous someone on a stage. What other things did he not know? I couldn’t wait to find out, so I didn’t. I left my seat and walked out of the lecture hall.

A man stopped me by the doors, “Son, don’t you want to hear this famous man?”

“Nope.”

“Don’t you relate to him?”

It never worked very well, but I didn’t know what else to try except honesty after the abandonment of my coin. “Nope.”

“Doesn’t his description of the human condition interest you?”

“Nope. I don’t know why anyone would listen to him.”

The third time must have been the charm, because he stared back at me with the kind of look that made you think you had broccoli or an elephant in your teeth.

“If you’re that hungry, you only have to ask,” I offered. I guessed it was an elephant instead of broccoli because he wouldn’t talk about it. He only turned away and walked into the crowd. No kindness goes unpunished, they say.

I went to look for comfort foods since my stomach was sympathising with the coin and I didn’t want it to leave me too. I wandered down the street until my nose brought me to a pretzel stand. There was a giant woman with a giant nose wo-manning the giant pretzels. If I had a nose that big I’d never be able to leave the smells of a pretzel stand. Perhaps the woman, the nose, and the pretzels had grown together. I pulled out my coin and asked her if it was enough for a pretzel.

“Ha! Is that a picture of the Queen? Doing THAT?”

I looked at the coin. Still blank. It must have been a picture of the queen playing hide-and-seek. “Sure,” I agreed.

“Priceless,” she stated.

“So it’s free?” Few things in life were better than free pretzels.

“Absolutely not.”

Few things in life were worse than once-free pretzels. I guessed a blank coin probably wasn’t legal tender, even if it bore a striking resemblance to the queen playing her favourite game. I pulled a piece of dead tree out of my wallet. She seemed to like that more. My wallet liked it less. Funny how wallets get more depressed the lighter they are. But, if it’s you or me, wallet, you’ll be the one on a diet. “Dese are mah phavourite,” I said around the elephant-sized pretzel in my teeth.

“Man does not live by bread alone,” she said knowingly.

I swallowed and agreed wholeheartedly. “There’s also coffee.”

I wondered, as I walked away, what Woman lived by. I guessed it was tea. No wonder they were inscrutable.