Fighting the princess complex as a Person & Parent of Color (POC)

By Teresa Ruiz Decker

The moment I heard it my heart ached a little. “I want yellow hair like that mommy.” My amazingly smart, brave, light hearted 3-year-old daughter had a sad look on her face as she pointed to the pretty blonde character on the page.

In a book full of drawings of all types of people my little brown haired, brown skinned girl pointed to the blue eyed, blonde woman drawing as “pretty”. Her wanting to “look like the princess” as she put it, was a serious moment to pause and thoughtfully understand how to help my biracial daughter love herself even at three years old.

How “princess syndrome” snuck up on us

In case you’re wondering, we’re not “princess” people.

Don’t get me wrong, plenty of parents are totally on board with buying every pink splattered, poofy, bejeweled toy out there. That’s OK for them, it’s just not us.

When I was pregnant I begged friends and family to think of colorful gifts — not just pink. I tried politely (and sometimes not so politely) to explain why princess stuff was not the ideal playtime for our little one. Yet somehow the princess dresses, crowns, shoes and wands crept in anyway. Gifts from friends and family, playdates with hardcore princess fans and too many princess themed animated films to count eventually led to tiny pleas for “Sofia the First” and more.

I caved, hoping to respect my daughter’s individuality. Just because I don’t like princess stuff doesn’t mean she couldn’t, right? So like it or not, we now have a drawer full of princess paraphernalia.

I cannot tell you how ironic this is for me.

The problem with princess play

While many of my parenting peers shrug off princess play as harmless pretending, there’s actually all sorts of to unintended consequences.

Here are a few problems with feeding the “princess complex” for all ages:

• An abnormal focus on appearance
• A desire for more things/toys or the “best” most expensive things
• A self-centered perspective
• Expectations of a fairytale life: being rescued; looking for a happily ever after; framing males as heroes, females as helpless
• Difficulty in participating in other types of play or non-gender specific games
• Trouble relating with peers not into highly feminine thinking or playing

For kids of color or kids from lower socioeconomic backgrounds I see additional problems:

• Lack of positive representation in different types of beauty, people and economic lifestyles
• Propagating U.S. media messaging that White is the standard of beauty
• Pressure to keep up with peers in material possessions
• Perpetuating status/class levels
• Heightened feelings of being an “other” not able to ever truly “be a princess” because of race or culture

The defense for princesses

Staunch princess fans will tell me not all princess related things create these problems.

While I can appreciate the sprinkling of modern princesses that are more diverse and empowered, undoing decades of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White will take much more work.

Some princess fans also say there’s no way a kid can pick up on all of the subliminal messages of “princessing”. I disagree.

Children are smart, perceptive little humans. They’re diving into learning the world open-heartedly and need us as parents to help them make sense of things.

A limited fairytale narrative lacks the context kids need to fully understand differences in our society. Let’s be real. We all know kids will act out the information they receive in astounding ways.

Others will defend their “princess status” to the death. “Why shouldn’t I be treated like a princess? I deserve it!” I’ve heard grown women say.

That response in itself tells me enough.

I wish you luck affording your habits financially, emotionally and physically to keep up the act.

I want to help my kid dig deeper in developing a healthy self-identity and relationships with others.

Self-love, beyond the selfie

Race and economic factors aside, self-love is a hard lesson for a woman at any age. Whether you’re three, 33 or 73 the media tells us we need to be thinner, lighter/whiter, and forever youthful (with huge breasts). Helping our young girls combat these messages from the start is key.

Some studies suggest the complexity of self identity sets in as early as age five.

And of course, it’s now widely documented that as girls get older escaping the feelings of inadequacy in a social media laden world is extremely difficult.

For People of Color there is another layer of self-love we must learn and teach our children about, including how to have pride in our cultural upbringing. Physical beauty should not be the ultimate standard of identity and when talking about physical features little girls need to love their whole selves.

For me that meant embracing my brown skin, dark hair, extra curves, and full lips, knowing European beauty is only one type of beauty in the world, not the ONLY type.

Raising a powerful, proud girl (toddler edition)

I’ve been thinking a lot about how to move from reactive to proactive in helping my little one navigate the princess industrial complex. Here’s what I’m coming up with right now:

• Continue to introduce different types of pretend play beyond the princess model. For example encouraging her to play doctor, firefighter, race car driver or “builder”
• At three years old, finding role models of diversity in cartoons seems to work for my little one. My go to is Doc McStuffins and this post makes me want to check out Nickelodeon’s “The Loud House” (a character with Down syndrome), and “Pinky Malinky” (featuring an African-American business owning mom and Caucasian stay at home dad). “Moana”, “Nella the Princess Knight’s” bi-racial character and “Elena of Avalor” may be a good way to get some non traditional princess action too.

Image: Disney

• Sprinkle in conversations around diverse beauty when it makes sense. For example, coloring time can include coloring princesses and people of all colors. Buying baby dolls and other dolls of different colors, shapes and sizes is something else I do.
• Talk about the importance of beauty inside and out — of course! Emphasize your daughter’s many other qualities that are not related to her looks including strength, smarts, kindness, love of animals, and other abilities
• Encourage her to play sports and physical games. We like hide and go seek a lot and hope to try soccer soon. If team sports are not her thing, try individual sports like skateboarding, running, gymnastics, and bike riding.
• Challenge her mentally by continuing what she is learning at school. Practice drawing letters together, read books or try counting to ten in a new language.
• Talk to your kid about things that make your family special such as food, language, music and more.
• Make light of our differences. I pulled out an old hot pink wig for my daughter to play with so she could try a “different color” hair.
• Introduce more strong, female characters like Princess Leah and Wonder Woman. The strength of Wonder Woman and Princes Leah is iconic at any age.

These are just a few of the ways I am opening up the conversation and breaking down princess stereotypes so my daughter can learn to love herself fully. Since she is also half White, I’m careful to embrace her caucasian background and help her understand both sides of her family offer much to be proud of.

Navigating these waters as a parent can be challenging but raising little ones to willing to embrace this big, beautiful, diverse world and all it has to offer is something I’m honored to do.

What about you?

Do you have ways to help your daughter move beyond princess play? Or can you think of more strong female characters for toddlers? I’d love to hear about it in the comments so we can learn and grow together.