Change your familia? Change yourself.
If you find yourself wishing for the hundreth time your hermana, hermano, mamma, papa or (insert family member) would change, it might not be that family member who needs fixing…
I hung up the phone standing in front of my closet half relieved, half frazzled. I had just spent the last 40 minutes in an emotionally charged conversation with my older sister, yet again. It wasn’t the first and it wasn’t going to be the last. Now I had to scramble to shower, find some clothes, finish gettng my toddler ready, and hustle into work within 45 minutes. “Ugh. Why do I do this to myself?” I said outloud to an audience of hanging skirts and blouses. Oh yeah, because I love her.
My sister and I are opposites in so many, many, ways — yet very alike in others. Growing up Mexican-American for my sister and I meant more American traditions than Mexican, but some of those cultural beliefs reflecting “old-school” Latino values are still with us. This includes values like respect your elders, be humble, women are caretakers of the home and children, and the ever present — family comes first. Some of these are great values. Others I’ve learned to consider but decided to create my own personal values. The“family first” way of life is something I cherish dearly, yet struggle with constantly as I get older.
There are many, many reasons we decide to put family before ourselves. Love, obligation, concern, tradition, or maybe you just don’t know any other way. I grew up with a fierce loyalty to family and was taught that friends will fail you but family always has your back. I’ve met many Latinas like myself who take pride in our strong love of family and consider this part of our core identity. But what if your family ties are always in knots?
The family ties that bind us
Almost every major decision I’ve made from the time I was a teen to well into my thirties has factored in my family. What will my mom think about this? How will this affect the time I have with my mom, sister and nephew? Will I be able to help them financially/emotionally/physically if I do this for me? The constant push and pull of “me vs we” comes with intense feelings of love, responsibility, stress, joy, pride, worry, and togetherness. I find far more joy in my family than stress most of the time, but as the years go by I am starting to see things a little differently. I am learning that when the family first mentaility starts to get in the way of your own wants, needs and happiness, it’s a good time to recalibrate your relationships.
Here’s what I mean. When I was in my twenties, my sister and I were close but constantly arguing over her life choices because I was so worried. Around the same time I just moved in with my then boyfriend, now husband, and we were very much in love. But month after month I would find myself recounting the same worry-filled stories about my sister to him. There was that time she bought a brand new truck she couldn’t afford, or decided to be with that boyfriend that seemed less than stellar, or the time she dropped out of college— again. Each time I approached these situations full of angst and worry.
My sister had not only herself to look after but a young son, so my brain would spiral into a tunnel of “what ifs” for the both of them. Almost every time I spoke with my sister we clashed. She would call to tell me her latest “exciting news” only to be met with my worry and advice filled response dripping in judgement. I was her little sister who had kept the slow and steady path to “success.” I drove the same used car for years, went to college, got a full-time job, then my master’s degree and was now starting a relationship with a truly loving man. I really believed all the good things that happened for me could happen for her too if she just focused a little.
My husband being the kind man he is endured session after session of tear filled, sometimes screaming, phone calls. Only to have to hear another hour-long rant from me about my sister after our calls had ended. At first he didn’t say much. Patiently listening to my worries and trying to assure me everything would be OK. Then one day, after what must have been the hundreth time I argued with my sister he told me something startling. “I know your worried and you love your sister. I just hope you see she is going to do whatever she wants anyway. People always do what they want to do.”
People always do what they want to do.
He was right. People, all people, do what we want to do. Whether that’s something good, bad, crazy, wonderful, irresponsible, or even nothing at all. People do what they want to do.
I really took what my husband said to heart. I could tell that he told me this because he loved me and my sister. It bummed him out to hear us fight so much. I could also tell that my love of family was starting to cause stress on my new love. The one I was trying to grow, nurture and really make work.
At first it was slow, but I did start to change. I backed off from my sister, trying to give her room to live her life. I focused more on my own life choices and relationship. My husband and I continued down a path that would eventually lead to adopting a rescue dog, then moving across the state, then marriage, renting a cool place by the beach and eventually our now one and half year old daughter.
Over time I realized I really, really love my sister. I want everything good for her in this life. If I could give her all the world’s love, success and joy wrapped up in a box I would –– but I don’t have to be the one to give that to her.
She is giving that to herself and she didn’t need my constant advice and worry to get there.
As the years rolled by she eventually dropped the bad boyfriend, turned in the overpriced truck for a different new car, went on to nursing school and raised my nephew into the coolest, kind-hearted, smart, funny, all around awesome young man. All without my constant judgement and advice hovering in the background.
In our most recent fights my sister has been saying to me, “You’ve changed!” –– and at first the words stung me to the core. Then after a few days I sat and thought about it.
I had changed.
In fact, I needed to change because whatever I was doing then, wasn’t working for us as sisters. We still don’t have the “perfect” sister relationship, but I’m glad I started to back off from my sister. It gave her room to fly in ways neither of us could have predicted all those years ago. And it did the same for me too.
5 ways you can change too
I’m still learning the right balance between healthy space to grow and the closeness we need as sisters. But I’m grateful I have a sister I can learn to change with every day. Here are a few things I’ve picked up over the years that help keep family close (but not too close).
- Examine your approach to“helping” — Here are some questions I ask myself to make sure I am truly being helpful:
- Am I being more helpful or hurtful when I give advice?
- Do my actions come off as controlling or judgmental? - Inspire change instead of insisting on it — Let your own actions reflect your values but don’t insist others do the same. By focusing on our own choices we may very well inspire others.
- Focus on something good — If we focus on the negative, we will see more negativity in our family member or family relationship. If we focus on the positive, guess what? You’ll see more of that too.
- Practice kindness — This one may be hard, especially if your family relationships are strained. But if you are able to write a kind note, be the first to call after an argument or just show a small token of love somehow, it can go a long way.
- Believe your family member can find their own happiness — Really they can. And if they choose not to, you are not responsible. The only thing you are responsible for is your own happiness.
BONUS: Provide help to those who want it — And by this I mean if you really want to see more happiness in the world a good way to do this is volunteer your time and gifts to a nonprofit organization in your community. These organizations are in need of help and shifting your energy outside your famlia might provide some much needed breathing room.
