‘ There was I with my life face to face with other people’s lives’

On not comparing to others, social media, and trying to shape your own life

‘Era siempre yo y mi vida, yo con mi vida frente a la vida de los otros.’

Julio Cortázar — Rayuela

The past few years, I developed the terrible, terrible tendency to compare my own life to that of others. It’s something I never did before and it’s making me feel horrible. So I want to change it. My first step was to get rid of social media, but unfortunately, that doesn’t prevent me from thinking about that one extremely successful colleague — who’s been working here for 5 more years than I am, but I can’t seem to rationally include that tiny little detail in my stream of thoughts.

Lately, I started to believe in the ability to shape your own life. As Pascal Mercier put it: ‘Life is not what we live, it’s what we imagine we are living’. By imagining our life, by drawing thin lines and later coloring them in, we have the freedom to shape our lives.

‘Das Leben ist nicht das, was wir leben; es ist das, was wir uns vorstellen zu leben.’

Pascal Mercier — Nachtzug nach Lissabon

We can shape our lives by writing. I started this blog to get a grip on life, and to figure out at least a tiny bit of it, but at the same time, I’m shaping it. (For everyone who’s still on social media: shaping your life — at least the way you want people to see it — is exactly what’s happening on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all the other new and hip things I’m not aware of.)

‘Todo es escritura, es decir fabula’
Julio Cortázar — Rayuela

Everything in life is ‘writing, that is to say, a fable’. My life used to be a fable too. And fables are adjustable. Although rationally I know no-one from my friends is living the perfect life, they (unintentionally) made me think they were. I quit social media because it made me feel uncomfortable. After being a part of the big charade for six or maybe seven years, I couldn’t keep it up anymore. I’m not always a happy person, and that’s fine. (On the other hand, I mustn’t dwell on these things — life is good and life is bad. That’s what life is, so let’s just accept that.)

Instead of my fable, I’m focusing on the facts now. I’m figuring out my story as I go. I know my history and my past and I’ve decided to just let the present be, to see how it makes me feel. I want to be a fly on the wall, the one who’s observing. What suits me and what doesn’t.

I know what I am because I know exactly what I am not (what I thereupon ignore astutely).
[…]
Another way of trying to say it : When it’s that, I’m no longer looking towards the world, from me towards the other thing, but for a second I am the world, the outside plane, the rest looking at me. I see myself as the others can see me.

Julio Cortázar — Rayuela

My goal is to get to know myself the best I can, and as honestly as I can. I will be observing and documenting. Just writing down my story. Along the way, I might be able to tell what direction I want to take on with my life. Based on those experiences, I’ll take things in my own hands, set a goal and go after it. Instead of comparing myself to that one colleague, I hope to see what it is exactly that makes me envious and I’ll try to act upon it.

I’ll still be there, with my life, face to face to other people’s lives, but at least I have a story and not a fable. For now, I’m as honestly as possible documenting my life to find out who I am and who I am not. As soon as I have the least bit of a clue, I’ll know what goals to set for my future and I’ll work as much as I need to, to come near these goals.

I’m writing my own life.