Saying No is Hard
I love to say yes. I love to make my friends and loved ones happy. To make them smile radiantly or laugh deeply is a gift I want to share constantly. The word “yes” simply rolls off my tongue. I can smile and say yes to extra work, yes to extra love, yes to extra responsibility. But when it comes time for me to say “no”- this is where I struggle.
My “no” usually shrinks down into a weak, cowardly “maybe.” Maybe I will accept lower pay because I am scared to ask for more. Maybe I can go on a date with you. Maybe I can accept this extra project even though I’m working 40 hours a week. Maybe I can interview for this job even though it isn’t what I truly want.
These maybe’s culminated into daily exhaustion and overcommitment. At one point, I had to drop a project after committing-merely delaying disappointment. Once I even withdrew my candidacy for a job halfway through an interview process, even though from the start my gut told me I didn’t want the job. Something wasn’t working. When I was in Vietnam, I enjoyed waking up with the sunrise to go for a walk on the beach. With this early start to the day, I found myself completely drained by dinner time. Yet, when asked to continue for drinks after dinner, I would say “yes.” Half-present and mostly thinking about how comfortable my bed was, I would push myself to meet the social expectation I believed existed.
Learning to say “no” was not easy. It is not easy to let people down or at least feel as if you are. But what I have realized is, I need to say “yes” to myself when I am uncomfortable or unsatisfied, which may translate into a “no” to another person. I realized that if I had just trusted myself initially to say no, I would prevent delayed disappointment. This was more respectful to myself and my peers.
However, occasionally my “no” was not heard. I was hurt, disrespected and shocked- making this journey even more challenging. I came to understand that even when I said “no” I didn’t fully believe myself. I was essentially saying maybe. I needed to find a way to be stronger in my actions and words. So my intention for the year was to grow physically and mentally stronger. As I continued my travels to Bali, I discovered yoga as a tool to meet this goal.
One yoga class in particular helped me have a much-needed connection to my own voice. I attended a Nada Yoga class where I was encouraged to chant at my own pace, scream, or even make animal noises. Yep, I agree- barking like a dog or pretending I was a howler monkey is not what I thought yoga was. But I left my judgement at the door and in this process, I was screaming and hearing my own voice for what felt like the first time. I was hearing my tone, projecting deep from within me. I chanted gibberish, but every once in a while I would practice chanting “no” and the sound vibrated throughout the entire room.
When the silence spread washed over the room after almost 2 hours of intense chanting, I realized I have a voice. A voice that deserves to be heard and respected. When speaking with a friend from home, he told me that I sound different than I have ever before. I feel like I am more mindful of my words and intentional about how I articulate them. Now, my no’s are just and strong and just as meaningful as my yeses. Now, I am not afraid to say no.
I have continued with my early morning routine here in Bali and taken a different approach to my evenings. Tonight I was invited a group dinner, but rather than instinctively saying yes, I said no to this opportunity and found a peaceful cafe to enjoy dinner alone. Now I notice that when I am tired, I find pleasure in silence. Another evening, my group was enjoying drinks on our roof. Laughter echoed through the night sky and everyone was smiling, but I was simply exhausted. Before, I would have pushed through this exhaustion since everyone else was having so much fun. But now, I found myself quietly retreating to my room and enjoying an audiobook I love as I drifted off to sleep. I respected that my body needed rest. I have been clear with my time commitments when people ask if I am available for work, and I set my maximum limit. I say no when I am not entirely passionate about the work, because I recognize there is someone else who truly wants to say yes. My no is not the end of the world.
In the past, I never had the courage or strength to enjoy this time alone; I feared I would miss a better experience. Now, I choose my actions just as carefully as my words. I have said goodbye to my timid maybe’s to embrace the power of “no.”
