10 Items in Your Home that are Relationship Disasters Waiting to Happen
Some dangers lurk where we don’t expect them. Others are more obvious, but hard to avoid.
At the very latest since Marie Kondo, we all know that our living space has a huge impact on more than whether or not we can find a clean coffee mug in the mornings. Our home influences our self-image, our confidence, our careers — and our relationships. Here are some items in your home whose disastrous potential you may never have considered.
1. Plants
It’s all fun and games and ‘oooh, they make oxygen’ until one of those bastards poisons your significant other’s cat. Did you know that many popular house plants, such as pothos, monstera and the snake plant, are toxic to pets? Don’t make your honey choose between you and their cat.
2. A feather duster
Not only is having a duster a surefire way to find yourself frustrated about everyone’s clear inability to actually use it, but also, the sexy maid act isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. You’ll probably just start to sneeze uncontrollably at all the worst possible moments.
3. Spaghetti
Inevitable disappointment when your night plays out less like Lady and the Tramp and more like the shower scene from Psycho was re-enacted all over your favourite pastel shirt.
4. Fruits and veggies
Emojis ruined this one for us. Nowadays you basically can’t even look at an aubergine (that’s an eggplant for my American friends) or a peach without getting ideas and/or frustrated.
A lot of other veggies are pretty phallic too, when you think about it, which, depending on your sexual preferences, will either fall into the above category (frustrating reminder) or be a huge turn-off. Bad for your sex life either way.
I say, be safe and eat carbs instead. Nobody ever got any untoward ideas from a potato.
5. Scented candles
They might seem romantic, but scented candles are notorious for giving people headaches, and we all know where that leads. Or they might light the curtains on fire. Very unsexy either way.
6. Spices
Nobody likes the way anyone else seasons their food, ever. Unless you’re keeping your cooking strictly separate, the spice cupboard provides, first and foremost, endless potential for fights and hurt feelings. Why risk it?
7. Throw pillows
Another case of constant contestation. From the pattern to the appropriate number, no two people in the history of the earth have ever been recorded to agree on the throw pillows in their home. (Don’t you just love scientific facts from reliable sources?) Throw pillows may be plush and pretty, but are best avoided entirely.
8. Journals and diaries
Thinking long enough about any subject is probably going to make you dislike it. Why do that to your relationship? Ditch the overthinking notebook and watch some tv instead.
Also, speaking of the tv: Do you really want to leave your most private thoughts about, say, Tom Hiddleston lying around where people might accidentally come across and totally misunderstand them? … Thought so.
9. Red wine*
Red wine turns your lips and mouth all weird and blue, while also making you more scatter-brained and likely to forget about your temporary new look. It’s bound to get awkward.
*(Not an issue if your significant other has a blue alien fetish.)
10. Your Bed
Its presence provides a constant, intrusive reminder of the pitiful state of your love life. What has it been, a week? Two? Fifteen? It’s like the damn piece of furniture is mocking you.
Seriously consider whether you wouldn’t rather just sleep on the floor and have done with it.
Bonus: Anything with motivational quotes on it
Those things really only serve to underscore the emptiness inside you and fuel a sense of smoldering rage deep within. That’s not just detrimental to your relationship, but your life generally.
So what do you do? Should you henceforth live in an empty concrete block, where you sleep without the comfort of any soft textiles and eat nothing but bland and unexcitingly short pasta?
…well, yes, that would probably be safest. But then, perhaps you just like to live dangerously. I hear it gives certain relationships their je-ne-sais-quoi. Now excuse me, I need to go dust the bookshelf with some ravioli, as we’ve recently thrown out the duster, and all the cleaning rags too, just to be safe.
