5 Ways To Make Sure Men Are Comfortable When You Talk About Harassment
Because God forbid they feel threatened.
Ever since this #metoo thing started going around the inter-webs so many guys seem to be commenting that it wasn’t their fault. Yes so many women aren’t safe anywhere, and yes so many of us have to take extra measures to ensure our safety… but won’t someone think of the guys?
I mean there are even music videos showing that women travel together for safety, and that they have to carry cute pink guns and gab at potential attackers with their keys. SNL’s own “Welcome to Hell” has 4.3 million views on YouTube. The poor guys in your life have probably had to hear about it and see the video over and over and over.
So here are some ways to make sure that they feel like they’re getting as much sympathy and consideration as possible when you bring up the fact that you’ve been harassed, stalked, and maybe even assaulted many times.
- Ask Them If They’re Ok… Constantly
Because honestly, are they ok? It must be really hard for them to have to open Twitter and Facebook and see a powerful figure they once admired being accused of assault.
And now all of the women in their lives are talking about all of their close calls at school, at work or on a night out. Some even have the audacity to highlight several times when they’ve been bullied or intimidated into being quiet about something horrible that happened to them.
It’s like everywhere they turn, there’s another incident or another story that needs to be told.
So the best you can do for them… is to just listen. Let those guys know that you’re here for them in their time of need. Ask them if they need a shoulder to cry on (they might not cry because you know… they’re guys), but also ask them if they’re ok. Make sure they’re comfortable with you talking about times when you’ve felt victimized or uncomfortable.
2. Try to Make Your Story Less… Messy
Before you start giving the heart wrenching details of the time you had to hole yourself in a bathroom to avoid a guy who just couldn’t take no for an answer… ask yourself… will this make my guy friend feel weird?
It must really suck for him to hear about all these guys looking and acting like jerks. Try softening the blow by trying to make the guy who harassed you look less bad. Ask yourself, did he ever hold a door for you? Did he ever say “bless you” after you sneezed and he was somehow in your cubicle even though his work space is wayyyyyy over there and this may not even be the department he’s supposed to work in…but he was polite about it?
Did he ever offer to buy you coffee, tea, or lunch. Never mind the fact that he made you uncomfortable when you said no and he got mad about it. Don’t include the fact that he went on to spam your phone and your social media in hopes of a date with you. Just highlight that the guy who made you feel the creepy crawlies was maybe… complicated… persistent even.
3. Edit Out Some of Your “Horror” Stories
So you may have been bullied, stalked, harassed, and/or assaulted more than once. I mean… who hasn’t at this point (amirite ladies). But when the conversation turns to body autonomy and all of the girls start bringing up their past… maybe don’t overwhelm the guys nearby with just how many incidents have actually happened.
If you were texted by the same guy 100 times in a day, try downplaying it, or just saying something like “there was this one time he texted a lot but then kind of stopped.”
Or maybe bring up one incident and completely ignore the other one. It might be annoying for them to have to hear about one thing after another. To keep their attention and to avoid looking clumsy and repetitive, just bring up the most memorable ones.
It’s not like they have to know that you were catcalled 50 times in the same day in the same neighborhood by all kinds of guys who didn’t know each other but happened to do the same thing to you.
So, yeah. Avoid redundancy. Be selective.
4. Make a List of Other Things to Talk About
There may come a time in the conversation where your guy friend, or boyfriend, or coworker, or relative’s eyes may start glazing over. You can tell that they’ve checked out of you recounting that time you ran from the subway to your front door in order to avoid being raped.
When that begins to happen, think of several things that they may find more interesting to talk about.
Here are a few options:
- What toppings do you like on your spaghetti?
- Are you going to the Phish concert?
- Did you see the game last night? If so, who won?
- Why do the popsicles that are supposed to look like cartoon characters always come out looking discombobulated all the damn time?
- What was the name of your first pet?
All of these are surefire to get a conversation going that won’t bore them or make them feel like you’re attacking them. Feel free to add more to your own personal list.
5. Apologize for Bringing Up Assault Again
Honestly, you can never apologize too many times for making someone feel like they had to sit through yet another story about a coworker bothering you, or having to fight off someone you thought was your friend.
Talking about assault and sexual harassment isn’t easy for the poor men in your life to deal with.
You have so many stories to tell, but they only have so much time.
So just keep saying “I’m sorry” like you usually do.
Angely Mercado is a writer from NYC. She thinks about stuff sometimes. Give her a clap. And tell her how you make the men in your life feel comfortable when the topic of assault comes up again.
