50 Nonsexual Uses for Dildos
1) A dough roller. Bring in that strong, sturdy silicone answer to stubborn dough problems. Caution, a vibrating dildo is no friend to flour.
2) Bracelet holder. Don’t pretend like you have not seen that done before.
3) Art. It’s unique, it’s authentic. It’s a lot more impressive that that fucking illogically famous canvas with a dot on it.
4) A paper weight. Obviously.
5) A measurement tool. I mean, the length is provided.
6) A stress ball. Squeeze-squeeze. #StrangelySatisfying
7) A stamp for…uh…
8) Morse code. Tap, tap, tap, motherfucker.
9) A hand cane. Those muscles are weaker than you think.
10) Dashboard fixture. Aloha, softly racist Hawaiian lady.
11) Foot massager. Relax those muscles.
12) Foam roller. Don’t push too hard.
13) Practice microphone. You’ll be ready for karaoke in no time.
14) Dog chew toy. No other dog will have Spot’s toy.
15) A janky ninja star.
16) A butter knife.
17) Gallop around your neighborhood yelling, “I have a horn on my head, fear me society!”
18) A housewarming gift. Thoughtful and original!
19) A hammer for playdough nails. Time for some colorful buildings!
20) A paint brush for unimportant decorating projects. No one will understand this design.
21) An eye-catching sixth finger. Be a trend setter.
22) Work lunch guarder. Your pudding will never be stolen again.
23) Front lawn gnome accessory.
24) Snowman’s nose.
25) Envelope sealer. Glue is also necessary.
26) A monopoly piece. Screw that shoe. Paper money is all I win, win, win.
27) Gardening tool.
28) Whiteboard eraser. Use that elbow grease.
29) Presentation pointer. No one will fall asleep in meetings ever again.
30) Baton. Remember, community band practice is this week.
31) Candle molder. Breadstick shaped.
32) Club entry stamper.
33) A rubber ducky’s general commander.
34) Kinky key ring.
35) Makeup sponge. Consider those lines blended.
36) Dish scraper. Bring it on, chili pot.
37) Sock shaper. Shrinking, meet your doom.
38) Talking stick. Only the person with the colorful, thick stick should be talking.
39) Record scratcher. Announcing DJ Veiny D!
40) Thesis subject
41) Butter churner
42) Curling roller
43) A shower plug
44) Eyelash curler
45) Finger splint
46) Bookmark.
47) Hand towel rack.
48) Drain cleaner
49) Porch decoration
50) A Christmas tree. Wrap lights around that bitch. Christmas is cum…no.
