6 Absolutely Essential Dating Tips to Ensure That You Don’t End up Sad and Alone With No One Who Loves You (Apart From Your 23 Cats)

Think you should be yourself on a date? Only if you want to end up sad and alone like this chick.

There’s no two ways about it, ladies: dating is hard.

And yet, as much as you’d rather stay home with your girl squad to paint each others’ nails and cry about your periods, you need to get off your single ass and dive straight into the frigid deep end of the dating pool. Not because you’re lonely–your feelings aren’t really a consideration here–but because your sex appeal is waning with every passing second. In just a few more years, you’re just going to be another infertile human-shaped raisin taking up valuable space on this planet, so you’d better lock some dude into loving you for eternity before you hit your expiration date.

Dating is essentially a game. And you, you are the pieces, the board, the cards, and the dice. Actually, the only thing you’re not is the actual human playing the game, because being human is for men.

But just because you don’t get to make any decisions doesn’t mean that you don’t have control: lucky for you, men are pretty much primal apes whose preferences center around their most basic instincts. So just do everything in your power to cater to their every desire, want, and need by contorting your personality, looks, and behavior to subtly (and sexily! Always be sexy!) manipulate him into liking you. You’ll be halfway down the aisle before you know it.

Manipulate your way into his heart and someday you, too, can become a wife!

Here are six tips to assure that you don’t end up sad and alone eating pints of Cherry Garcia in bed.

  1. Never sleep with him on the first date. Or the second, or the third, or the fourth. In fact, if you’re really into a guy, don’t ever sleep with him. You wouldn’t want him to think that you’re some kind of third-rate prostitute who puts out for a $3 beer and a hot dog, right? Or even some kind of first-rate prostitute who puts out for a diamond ring and a stable, happy life together? That’s what I thought. We all know that men think with their pogo sticks. And evolutionarily speaking (this is actual science, people), men are made to conquer. Once he sticks his flag pole in your moon crater, he’s off to the next territory. But that’s not to say you need to swear off sex forever: if you’re feeling horny, you can always hop on some quality side-dick.
  2. Don’t call him first. Needless to say, this also extends to all forms of human (and even non-human) communication, including but not limited to: text, email, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Gchat, LinkedIn, actual mail, fax, telegram, and/or pigeon carrier. Actually, just never initiate anything. The last thing you want is for your date to think that you are clingy or opinionated. It’s incredibly important that your dude thinks that you don’t think. Any semblance of a thought might be misinterpreted as an opinion, and an opinion could easily turn into a suggestion, which could snowball into a demand and set off an avalanche of decisions. So you just shut your pretty little mouth and wait by the phone.
  3. Be hot. There is nothing less sexy than not being sexy. Hit the gym, the mall, and definitely the makeup store on a regular basis. Research shows that men are purely visual creatures (it’s biology, my friends), so they care entirely about things like the size of your boobs, your waist-to-hip ratio, and how fat that ass is. And if you happen to not be hot, don’t panic: YouTube can help. Just devote your next three-day weekend to catching up on contouring videos, and you’ll be able to mask your fugly natural features with the illusion of cheekbones.
  4. Leave your wallet at home. Men love to pay for things, especially when they’re already spending 50 percent of their paycheck renting out a closet-sized bedroom. The more he spends on you, the better he’ll feel about himself (again, psychology), and his self-esteem is important, much more important than yours. You may fancy yourself a strong, independent woman, but trust me, a lobster dinner tastes so much better when someone else is paying for it. And anyhow, you do make 78 cents to every dollar he does–so use that gender wage gap to your advantage!
  5. Eat something awesome. Your date wants to know that you’re fun and adventurous, like a bacon double cheeseburger or truffle cheese fries. Nothing says “lame” like ordering a salad. It doesn’t matter if you prefer salad; you should be able to keep up with your date’s appetite. But make sure not to outeat him: this is another sure way to strip him of his masculinity. And of course, remember that you’re only doing this for show! Your typical diet should be limited to kale smoothies and ice water.
  6. Be confident. But not too confident–then you’re just being a self-absorbed bitch. Do everything within your power to subtly (and sexily! Remember the cardinal rule!) draw attention from all men within eyeshot without prompting them to think impure thoughts. Otherwise, you may cause your date to react in a violent fit of jealousy.
This bitch knows what’s up. Be a well behaved lady-person like her and you can trap yourself a man in no time!

Now, you have all the knowledge you need to date successfully. And if you’re still not having any luck, just move to China. I hear the male to female ratio is good there.

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