61% Of Women Plan Post-COVID Career Change.

I’m going to be a Komodo Dragon. How about you?

With 2021 well underway, and frankly not delivering on the whole “better than 2020” thing as expected, many career women are looking at shaking things up.

According to one survey, over 60% of women have a major professional change on their minds, which is no surprise given many get laughable pay and fuck-all appreciation despite toiling like titans. Just ask the women who are the 91% of nurses and 75% of healthcare workers how financially rewarding their year of hard labor in hell has been.

But what can women do? Are you bored of career change articles that ask you to lean in and lead, but maybe be a bit less shrill while doing it? Sick of being expected to work like you don’t have kids, but also homeschool and care for those kids simultaneously without ever checking your phone or leave them alone for 2 minutes, what sort of terrible mother are you?

Ladies, are you ready for some changes that could work? Here are 3 complete makeovers to consider next time you can’t get a word in edgeways in a Zoom meeting.

This manly man, in a dark blue suit (a manly colour), has an expensive and manly watch. So man. Very penis-shaped. Much pay. Photo by Ruthson Zimmerman on Unsplash

1. Be A Man

Given women worldwide get paid at least 15% less, this one’s a no-brainer. You don’t have to have a dick to start acting like one. Apply for jobs you’re not really qualified for, talk over everyone in meetings, completely ignore any childcare demands or people asking you to make coffee for the meeting, and watch the extra money role in.

And that’s just the financial rewards! In the office, you are now assertive and confident, rather than opportunistic and bossy. At home, you’ll be expected to do far less around the house. And if you end up in the emergency room, you’ll be believed more, seen faster and get better drugs.

It may seem drastic but what are we always told to do when confronted by anachronistic and misogynistic standards entrenched in societal norms?

No, not change them, silly! As always, ladies, the answer is we should change ourselves — because apparently changing workplace norms is completely impossible and how dare we even ask.

A Komodo dragon, tongue out and looking chilled. Perhaps because she isn’t expected to wear make-up and high heels to look “professional” because apparently high heels help you think higher thoughts or something. Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

2. Be A Komodo Dragon

Not sure if you want children? Worried your health fund is going to ditch contraceptive care the first chance it gets? Ever wondered what to answer when a prospective employer (illegally) asks you about whether you plan to have kids soon?

Become a komodo dragon and take total control over your reproductive life!

Komodo dragons can reproduce sexually if they want to, but have also evolved to reproduce parthenogenetically — or clone themselves — because “they mainly live isolated in the wild and become violent when approached”. Nothing stops coworkers’ inappropriate touching faster than the imminent risk of extreme violence. Ladies, how good does being a Komodo Dragon sound?

Look at them, happily drooling venomous slime, and biting the face off any idiot who suggest they need to wear make-up to look professional or tries to take a “humourous” upskirt shot. That’s career goals, right there. Screw being a man. I’m going to be a dragon.

Stabbing. That’s what we do to people who ask us to make 5 coffees for the meeting that we are also needed at. Photo by FloorTwelve on Unsplash

3. Become A Cactus

Does this all sound too hard? Does radical species change sound impossible? Are you just too fucking tired to care about your fucking career right now, on top of COVID, politics, the planet’s imminent death, endless unpaid emotional labor and all the other bullshit in your life?

Embrace your spikey side. Set your boundaries and become a cactus.

Flower when you feel like it and not a moment earlier. Wound people violently when they shove into your personal space. Rejoice in your ability to store sustenance and moisture in your fleshy trunk and limbs, and stab anyone who calls you fat. Hold your ground and spike the shit out of anything stupid enough to mess with you.

And as a bonus, you’ll be basically impossible to sexually harass and assualt.

They told women that we could do anything and have it all, provided we did everything and didn’t mind getting paid less. And then they told us we were doing that wrong too. So, frankly, fuck them.

Ladies, if you’re going to have change anyway, make it a change that at least works for you. Make 2021 your year. Whatever you decide to do.

…I’m still thinking Komodo dragon, though.