A Day in the Life of the Woman Who Is Saving the World, One Purchase at a Time
Why use your privilege to do good when you could just buy more feel-good products?
8:00 AM — Wake up and gaze out the window at this beautiful new day. Ignore smoke rising in the distance from raging wildfires. Focus on something positive — like this hand-poured, artisan soy candle I just bought ($32 from Nordstrom). Pick it up off bedside table and take a deep whiff. Realize I purchased “campfire” scent. Quickly return candle to bedside table.
8:30 AM — Head out to balcony for morning coffee. Immediately choke on toxic cloud of car exhaust. But what’s a little pollution when I can soothe my irritated throat with an organic, superfood-charged, iced coffee elixir ($7 for six ounces from the neighborhood juice bar)? Mmm, magical! The juice bar is within walking distance, but it’s so much easier just to take my SUV ($75,000 from Land Rover. I absolutely would have bought a hybrid or electric car, but Land Rover wasn’t making one yet, ugh). Cough!
8:40 AM — Oops, forgot my stainless steel reusable straw ($12 from Anthropologie)! With the state of our oceans, there really is no excuse not to own one. Anytime I get a to-go beverage, I just pop my reusable straw into that plastic lid on that plastic cup, and breathe easy knowing I’ve done my small part to save the environment.
9:10 AM — Go through yesterday’s mail and throw out pleas for donations from “Save the Ocean” and other non-profits. Honestly, there’s only so much one very privileged person can do! Close eyes and take last delicious sip from reusable straw. Toss plastic cup in garbage.
9:25 AM — Time for my morning ritual: an “urban defense” anti-pollution face mask ($235 from Goop, made with sustainably-harvested chia). There’s nothing like a nice anti-pollution face mask to counteract the effects of a government packed full of climate change deniers!
9:35 AM — While waiting for the mask, I do my daily gratitude practice. Today I am grateful that I don’t live in a poor neighborhood, where pollution can reach life-threatening levels. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wish there was something I could do to help those people. We’re all in this together — even though we come from vastly different socioeconomic starting points — right? Face masks for everyone!
10:00 AM — Choose an outfit. Lately I’ve been loving this lightweight cashmere sweater with the hand-embroidered slogan, “Stay Woke” ($350 from this company that kept advertising to me on Instagram as “ethically sourced” until I felt morally obligated to buy clothing from them). It feels good to know that by wearing this sweater I’m creating awareness around the whole concept of “wokeness,” while simultaneously implying that I might actually be doing something about police shootings of unarmed black men or rampant homelessness. I’m not. But this sweater proves that I care a lot! It’s all about being woke to being woke.
10:30 AM — Now for accessories. I’m really into this hand-knotted mala bead necklace ($140 from this adorable shop in Joshua Tree I went to after my last Goddess Retreat). I’m not exactly sure what mala beads are for, but I know they’re super spiritual — the gemstones just give off great vibes! I was instinctively drawn to the necklace called “I am Love.” That is so me! I truly believe love heals all, and also eliminates the need for me to educate myself about other cultures, religions, or any way of life remotely different from my own. If only we could all just love each other, we wouldn’t even need to stay woke! #woketolove
12:00 PM — Brunch with a friend at my fave local spot. Apparently it used to be a Mexican “Mom and Pop” grocery store, can you believe it? It’s too bad the store couldn’t survive due to skyrocketing rents resulting from gentrification, but I honestly don’t know if I’d survive without these vegan buckwheat pancakes, lol! ($15, made with real pumpkin-seed milk!).
12:50 PM — Tell my friend how hopeless I feel about the state of our world. She suggests I join her in volunteering to register voters. “Politics isn’t going to change anything,” I inform her, rolling my eyes. “True change comes from within.” I gesture dramatically at my $350 sweater, and stroke my mala beads.
2:45 PM — Still feeling a vague malaise after brunch, so decide to “be the change” and finally get serious — about self-care. Lounge on couch scrolling through old photos of myself in my handmade pink pussyhat ($20 on Amazon) from the last Women’s March. Sometimes it helps to remember that beautiful feeling of sisterhood. I didn’t actually go to the Women’s March, which is good because then I would have had to witness the justifiable rage that personally I think is a very unladylike feature of modern feminism. But I still managed to post pictures of my pussyhat to social media!
3:20 PM — Part two of self-care plan: Abandon all responsibilities and spend the rest of the day meeting with my life coach/spiritual guru. When the world is going to hell, really the only thing you can do is look inward (session with guru, $170 an hour). Any meaningful action whatsoever to try and make the world a better place is pointless if you haven’t healed yourself first. And true healing takes a very, very long time (lifetime of Tony Robbins seminars, $60,000). The world can wait!
