A Missed Connections Ad From That Totally Instagrammable Photo Of You Being Held Hostage on A Stranger’s Phone
Picture Seeking Woman
Hey girl,
I’ve been searching for ways to reach you. You’d think it’d be easier to find you with all the different methods of communication, but damn have you been hard to track down. I tried finding you on Instagram, Facebook and even Google Images. I assume you have some obscure social media handle that makes you hard to find, like “L1zardqueen” or “WheresPam“, because I tried your first name and you didn’t come up. Since I don’t know much about you other than that you’re very photogenic, I couldn’t do any educated guessing. After hitting numerous dead ends, I decided Craigslist was the only viable option for getting a hold of you.
I know this is forward but I feel like we’re supposed to be together… and well, I think I could change your life. I know what you’re thinking, “who’s this schmuck trying to win me over with some sweet talk”, but it’s not just in my head — my friends think so too!
I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m writing to you from Megan’s phone — ugh wait, you probably don’t even remember Megan. It was kind of a crazy night and you were pretty drunk by the end of it. Let me just start with an introduction — I’m you. Well, a picture of you. And I don’t mean to toot my own horn but… I’m a great picture of you. I guess I’d be tooting OUR horn. Wow, that’s cool, huh? This whole thing is so “2018” — but to be exact, I’m so “December 31th at 11:58PM, 2017”.
You remember, right? New Years Eve at Kevin and Melissa’s? Well, while you were dancing to Come On Eileen Kevin’s coworker Megan took an amazing “candid” of you — your hair is all messy from all the hair flips you were doing, and your makeup is a little smudged, but in a cool, “I don’t care, I’m just having fun” way.
According to the other pictures in the scroll, I’m the best kind of picture. They say they wish they were pictures like me. They say there are pictures like me all over the Internet and that humans are constantly snapping photos trying to capture a moment like the one I’ve captured. When I started doing research on the Safari Internet Browser I found out people Like pictures like me all the time. Some pictures like me have more than 1 million Likes! That’s when it hit me — I should be on the Internet. I should be the profile picture for our Instagram. I should be Liked by millions!
The morning after the party I just figured Megan would send you a message like “Hey, took a really incredible, gorgeous pic of u last night and I feel like you need it on all your social platforms!” but after hours and hours of swiping through Tinder, RSVPing to almost every steampunk event on Facebook and ordering a dog onesie on Amazon, she put her phone down. She never once opened her Camera Roll. Since then, Megan has taken so many pictures of other people and I feel like I’m getting lost in the scroll. At this point, this letter is my only hope of getting to you. And if I don’t get to you, my dreams — I mean our dreams — can never come true.
I know it may seem like I’m being dramatic but this is literally life or death — you see, if you don’t see this letter and find Megan, I’ll be trapped, forgotten… maybe even deleted to clear space for the new software update or an Editor’s Choice productivity app. I know you can’t see me now and I know I said this before but I really am gorgeous. I capture a beautiful, carefree, special moment that I think the world will want to see. And that I think the world will Like. They’ll Like me a million times. They’ll really Like me.
Plus, to quote the brilliant “omg45439934” of Urban Dictionary, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”
So go — go find Megan. Because, well, you need me… Instagram needs me.
Truly Yours,
Literally You,
The Picture.
